STRANGER THAN FICTION: HOW THE FLORIDA VOTE BECAME THE FLORIDA DEBACLE

I thought the presidential election might be settled before I had to write this column. I never dreamed my good name would become linked to a state with the population density of many foreign countries but with the total brain mass of a Chihuahua.

But it's common knowledge that I moved home to Missouri after three years in Pensacola and one in Fort Lauderdale, both Florida cities in the news now that George W. Bush has a federal suit slated for a hearing in Pensacola; and Fort Lauderdale -- sandwiched between those equally maligned cities of West Palm Beach and Miami -- has become known for people who can't vote or count.

So some people ask me: "Heidi, what's wrong with those people down there?" Others ask: "Did you vote absentee in Florida?" Or they say: "I guess after you left, the state just went to Hades."

Let me explain a few basic things about Florida.

Florida is actually two states in one. You have the Panhandle and Central Florida, which are part of the Deep South, except for Orlando, which is actually its own country and elected Goofy president this year. And then you have South Florida, which could float off and join Cuba, for all the rest of the state cares.

Folks in Pensacola, Panama City, Tallahassee and Jacksonville didn't have any problems voting. In Pensacola, we used the fill-in-the-arrow system, which worked just fine for me.

In Fort Lauderdale, the seat of Broward County, we used the punch-card system. I voted there twice and don't remember any problems with "butterfly ballots" and "pregnant chads."

I voted here for the presidential election. Again, absolutely no problem with my punch card I pressed VERY firmly and voted a straight Democratic ticket along with roughly 0.00001 percent of Cape Girardeau County voters.

If there had been a problem, I would have followed the directions on the easy-to-read sign that encouraged me to get help from the election judges.

So, the question remains -- What is wrong with those people down there?

To help you understand, think about the tasks you completed yesterday. You went to the gym. You went to work. You stopped by the grocery store. You met a friend for a cocktail.

Now imagine that all those things took about 10 times longer to do, because the population of your county is 1.5 million instead of 70,000.

Imagine that it's Election Day, and everyone is rushing to the polls. Many of them are older than 75 and don't see as clearly or move as quickly as they used to. Many of them don't speak English as their first language -- or barely speak it at all. Many of them haven't voted in years but came out because it's a presidential election and a tight race. All three groups are confused by the ballot instructions.

It'd be a nightmare, right?

There you have life in South Florida. Yes, the beaches are gorgeous. Yes, the diversity is exciting. Yes, you can see thong bikinis on men and women whenever you want.

But thank heavens for Cape Girardeau, where it takes me four minutes to get to work, seven minutes to get a prescription and 10 minutes to vote in a presidential election, and that was with a line.

It's good to be home.