STRANGER THAN FICTION: FEMININE PRIDE COULD BE BUSTING OUT ALL OVER

What could be better than a product that made you regular AND increased cup size?

It ain't easy being an imperfect woman on the beaches of Florida. Here in the Land of Thongs, there are more tanned, slender bodies than you literally can shake a stick at. Ah, how I miss the Midwest, where only female television news personalities and other masochists order a small bowl of oatmeal when there's biscuits and gravy on the menu.

So you can imagine how self-conscious I am when I'm the only girl on the beach whose bathing suit has built-in shorts and a tummy panel, a style I formerly only identified with my grandmother. Except even SHE had a great tan. And then with our local bounty of implants, well, I'm absolutely mortified to set foot on that white sand with my gorgeous husband by my side.

Things only got worse after I heard the radio commercial for Erdic, a new breast enhancing product.

The female announcer explained how horrible it is to come up a little short in a chest area. "Your boyfriend is looking at every bikini top on the beach but yours," she said.

Man! So The Other Half really WASN'T admiring their perfect manicures like he said he was! Then I remembered a discovery I'd made long ago but forgotten: If you're filling out a 40 DDD bikini top, nobody is looking at your thighs!

Oh, sure. I've seen television ads for rubbery "falsies" that one slips into her foundation garment before a hot date, but at some point those have to be put in "a case that compliments any dresser or vanity," according to the ad. I'm assuming your man might notice a slight difference. With Erdic, my enviable chest would be mine, all mine!

So I checked out the website at www.bustingout.com. Yes, that's really the address.

Anyway, the site told me that Erdic was all natural, made of wheat, barley, hops, rye, malt, wild oats and corn. Apparently the mammary glands are magnets, and these natural products full of natural estrogen are steel.

"But Heidi," you may ask. "Isn't that roughly the same recipe for beer?"

Well, I'm no medical doctor, but let me say this. Two months of Erdic, $495. Two months of beer at one bottle a day, roughly $60. You make the call.

But the same way beer can put on those unwanted pounds, so can Erdic. "The calorific value of a daily cure of 10 tablets is comparable to two slices of whole-wheat bread," the site says. "We therefore recommend that you adapt your eating habits to this extra intake of calories during the cure."

The cure? I'd always suspected that having small breasts was some kind of disease, but now we know for sure thanks to the miracle of the Internet.

Another side effect: "Due to high fiber content, one side effect may be increased regularity."

Whoa! Could this product be any better? In the testimonials, women explained how they expanded their chests by enviable multiples. But nobody touched upon this added bonus with a statement like: "I grew two cup sizes in two months, and I totally threw away my entire supply of Clean U Out!"

OK, I'm sold. I'm pulling out my credit card and ordering some Erdic.

Just as soon as I pay off that stomach-warming pad that's allegedly burning off my tummy fat and the cellulite cream I've been rubbing on my thighs.

~Heidi Nieland is a former Southeast Missourian staff writer who lives in Pensacola, Fla.