STRANGER THAN FICTION: FAMILIAR RITUAL BETTER THAN BOOK'S ADVICE ON STRESS

Every new job causes some stress.

You've got new co-workers, new responsibilities, new standards to meet. You have to learn anew how to "manage your manager" -- which, incidentally, is the only useful advice one of my former managers ever gave me.

He meant that you have to figure out your boss' personality and work style and then conform to that style as much as possible. But it's stressful to play psychologist and do your job at the same time. Unless you ARE a psychologist, I suppose.

I've been here nearly two months, and things are getting a little less stressful, although I still have at least one large zit on my face at all times. (Have I mentioned I'm 30?) Also, when The Other Half starts rubbing my shoulders, I give him that icy I-hope-you're-not-even-thinking-about-it look.

Which is why I'm reading "The Woman's Comfort Book," written to keep women from being too overwhelmed.

My friend Tamika bought it for me when I left Florida, because she's a woman who appreciates a lot of comfort. Her bathroom looks like a salon. She's got lotions, she's got sprays, she's got oils. There are candles and soft music all over her apartment.

She knows when to turn down a party invitation because she needs time to herself. And she doesn't let people step on her. Ever.

Which probably is why she loves this book. It's all about that kind of stuff.

The author probably would say I think the book is funny in some parts because I don't really know how to nurture myself. She'd probably say I laugh at some of the suggestions because it's a defense mechanism to stay stressed and not live a more mentally comfortable lifestyle.

Don't get me wrong. I love some of the stuff in this book and actually did the "morning ritual" this morning.

No, it is not having a bowel movement and then drinking coffee while applying makeup. It includes hugging yourself and chanting, "This is going to be a great day."

Stop laughing, dammit!

But some of the advice sounds a little nutty, at least by Southeast Missouri standards. I'm sure you'd be the bee's knees doing this stuff out in California or the Pacific Northwest.

Take the "blessing ritual":

"Lay some sage in a fireproof dish, with matches nearby ... Spend a few minutes composing a blessing. Create a blessing that speaks from your heart. My example is: 'I invoke the ancient power of this land where our house stands ...' When you are ready, light your sage. Walk through the area you are blessing, fanning the smoke while repeating, singing, or chanting your blessing."

Maybe I'm wrong, but I think if I walked outside my townhouse singing and changing about "ancient power" and fanning odd smelling smoke, I'd end up busted for smoking "wacky tobaccy" and disturbing the peace.

Of course, I could always have my friends over for a "courage ritual" on my patio. That one includes waiting for a full moon -- I'm not kidding -- and inviting over several women to sit around and play their own instruments, unrehearsed, until the resulting song "dies out naturally."

The book says you can do the ritual alone in a circle of flowers and stones. "Chant or drum along with a tape, and don't forget to hug yourself afterward."

Again, I think there could be some sort of law enforcement involvement if I tried that around here.

Maybe I'll try a stress-relieving ritual a little more familiar to me and my neighbors. It's called the "drinking ritual." You get some beer, gather your friends together and start pulling the tabs.

You can howl at a full moon if you want.