STRANGER THAN FICTION: FALLING-APART-AFTER-LAST-PAYMENT BLUES IS CRUEL BUT NO JOKE

Falling-apart-after-last-payment blues cruel, but no joke

That old joke about things falling apart after you've made the last payment ISN'T just a joke.

It's real. Horribly real.

Take the very computer I'm using at this moment. Please. The Other Half and I bought it in 1997 on a three-year payment plan. Never mind the fact that, only months later, a comparable unit was selling for nearly half what we paid. Never mind that the company we bought it from went under less than a year after our purchase.

We made the last payment in December. The machine immediately began freezing up during online sessions.

We didn't open any virus-bearing e-mails from strangers. We checked for Y2K compliance. There was absolutely no reason for our out-of-date, piece-of-trash computer to do this to us.

But there we were, rebooting every 10 minutes.

Its newest trick is belching up settings from our old Internet provider and refusing to take us to our new e-mail address. It forced me to fax last week's column to my editor. FAX! In this day and age! And just try calling technical support. A recorded, female boss calmly lets you know calls are taken in the order they are received, and you are caller number 2,236.

So now we're watching the computer ads with great interest. Those colorful iMacs spinning around the screen. Those nice men from Gateway, marching a new computer in its Holstein-patterned box, right up to your door.

But who are we kidding? We'll get into another three-year payment plan, our unit will cost half as much in a year and then start freezing up on us. Better I just surf the Internet at work, where I can get paid for it.

Just kidding, Mr. Employer, sir!

Then there's my beloved Japanese compact car. I bought it used in 1994. I made the last payment in January. The title arrived a few weeks later.

So what if it's so small I have to drive with my knees on either side of the steering wheel? So what if me plus three good-sized passengers can bring its little four-cylinder engine to a virtual standstill? It's mine! All mine! In February, a month after I mailed that last payment, it began overheating. I felt absolutely betrayed. I'd sung the praises of that make of car to my friends, excusing away my discomfort by explaining that the car was reliable, if not roomy, and that's what counts.

I took the car to a local repair chain, which charged me a cool $103 for the new thermostat. My Jamaican co-worker, who has advised me to dicker with EVERYONE, including the woman who waxes my eyebrows, shook his head in disgust.

"More than $100? For a thermostat?" he said incredulously. "You'll pay no more than $10 for that in the auto parts store, mon." But, see, that's the problem with both the computer and the car. Because the most complicated thing I've ever fixed is a clogged toilet, I'm not really in a position to dicker over repairs.

A mechanic could say: "You see, Lady, your discombobulater is kicking your doomaflatchy into overdrive. So it's gonna be WAY more than $10. Plus, you need two new tires." So I paid what the mechanic asked. A week later, The Other Half was in the passenger seat and noticed it was overheating again.

"Sweetie, do you EVER check your gauges?" he asked, clearly frustrated by my lack of interest in temperature and gas tank levels. But who was he trying to kid? He can only lift the hood, check the oil and stare in utter frustration, too.

I'm not sure what other thing I own is going to join the mechanical rebellion. Mr. Half's car will be paid off this year, too, but it has jumped the gun and already developed a slow oil leak. One of our TVs was purchased in 1994 with a credit card we just paid off ... maybe it's considering a mutiny. Then there's the answering machine, the phone, the stereo ... all paid off and ready to break down.

Maybe the answer is to lease everything. Think I can talk Mr. Half into trading off the compact for a leased, 2000 SUV? Is it possible to lease a new computer? It's worth a shot.

Heidi Hall is a former Southeast Missourian staff writer now living in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. Contact her at newsduo@herald.infi.net.