STRANGER THAN FICTION: DRIVING COURSE TEACHES STUDENTS ABOUT ROAD RAGE

There's something about the blast of a car horn that turns thinking people into animals.

Driving seminar. Mandatory. Auditorium. Be there.

Welcome to corporate America, where some insurance company somewhere has decreed that a buck can be saved if 20 bored employees watch a Power Point presentation on safe driving. Coming soon to an office complex near you!

I'll admit that I'm not the world's best driver. Heck, I'm not even in the top million. But there's nothing worse that the sight of a uniformed officer standing next to a Power Point machine when you've got a foot-high stack of work in the next room. I didn't care if he was going to tell me about a secret underground highway system that would get me anywhere in town in five minutes.

He didn't mention the underground system. But he did lob a softball question right away. "What's the leading cause of accidents in the United States?"

We shouted out all the usual -- speeding, drinking, cellular phones.

Nope. The answer was even simpler. "Attitude," he said.

It was a one-word screen on the Power Point for emphasis.

That launched us into an hour-long discussion of the dreaded affliction we call Road Rage. We didn't know the name for it several years ago during the L.A. freeway shootings, but it's everywhere now.

You know how there's always one person in the office who's determined to make any event last longer than it should by telling dumb stories and asking dumb questions? (Right now you're thinking back to your 11th-grade history teacher, who told you there are no dumb questions, only dumb answers. He was wrong. There ARE dumb questions.)

That person was in my group. And as soon as she saw an opening for a dumb story, she went for it.

"Um, the other day I was driving along, and I saw this guy I thought I knew so I waved, but I'm not sure what he thought because he pulled up next to me and started cursing and giving me the finger," she said.

Unfortunately, the guy eventually pulled around her and drove away, leaving my co-worker's ability to come to work and speak intact. But as irritated as I was by this woman, I had to admit that cursing and giving the ol' one-finger salute seemed a little extreme, especially in response to a friendly wave. There are so many offenses out there that can result in justifiable road rage.

1. Thinking that having a cellular phone makes you cool. Come on, folks. They aren't exactly rare anymore. Stop pulling the things out and calling your friends at intersections. For that matter, quick taking friends' calls in restaurants and calling them from store aisles. You look as ridiculous as the 12-year-olds sporting pagers at the mall.

2. Driving in the passing lane well after you've passed someone. This calls for capital punishment, in my opinion. What makes that left-hand lane so attractive to you slow people?

3. "Tush-pushing," "tailgating" or "driving right on my ---." I really can't blame those people who slam on their brakes in an attempt to collect insurance money. I've always wanted to do that but have been in enough unpleasant, unplanned accidents to resist the lure.

4. Pulling out in front of another car and going 20 mph. You'd think people so anxious to get out on the road would drive faster.

5. Honking your horn at me for no good reason. I'm not sure what it is about that last one, but the sound of a horn blast directed my way turns me into a lunatic. My mother-in-law was in the car with me on one such occasion and I used a very dirty word. You can imagine how that raised her estimation of me.

Actually, I was on my way to lunch right after the driving seminar and someone honked. I screamed out a dirty word again. But this time, I think it was the pent-up frustration of having to sign a document in which I promised NOT TO BACK UP UNLESS IT WAS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY!

No, I'm not kidding. Apparently, if I sign a document explaining that I know how to back up and won't do it unless hard pressed, my employer gets a discount. Right after signing, we were told that our driving records are checked occasionally, and we should report any tickets we receive on company time so they can fire us if we get too many.

Can you imagine ratting yourself out to your boss? Why don't I just stop by and tell them about the $20,000 I embezzled. (Just kidding, guys! Can't you take a joke?)

I guess the seminar wasn't all bad. We learned to avoid road rage by taking in the scenery at red lights. I haven't really tried it yet, but I'm sure it will work.

Unless I'm so busy watching the scenery that I miss the light change. Then someone probably will honk.

And THEN you know what happens.

~Heidi Nieland is a former staff writer for the Southeast Missourian who now lives in Pensacola, Fla.