STRANGER THAN FICTION: CHUNKY KIDS VS. SADISTIC PHYS-ED COACHES

PE is hell on a girl who spent her summer reading and eating M&Ms.

When I saw the article about Randie Fidler taking over as Cape Central High School's principal this year, my childhood fears began rearing their ugly heads.

I was catapulted back to FRESHMAN PHYSICAL EDUCATION, a nightmarish hour of each day devoted to the humiliation and torture of couch potatoes. Back then Coach Fidler was the most feared junior high PE coach on the face of the planet.

And Heidi Nieland, the most out-of-shape teen on the planet, got to see him every day for nine months.

Actually, the way junior-high PE was set up in my hometown, you never really knew who your coach was. Everyone just showed up at the appointed hour, changed into their stylish-yet-practical gym suits and lumbered onto the basketball court/classroom/track.

Then between four and six coaches set about making your day hell.

The girls and boys were on separate sides of the gym, divided by a gargantuan curtain. Rumor had it that the Department of Education declared this was unfair about halfway through my freshman year, so the curtain was lifted for the calisthenics, then lowered for the rest of the hour. Boys did wrestling, girls did gymnastics, boys played basketball, girls played ping-pong, etc.

But those few minutes of curtain-free physical education were great. Members of each gender spent the time whispering about who was wearing supportive undergarments and who wasn't.

The hell part began with laps. Sometimes a particularly vindictive coach would pick me to lead the laps, which resulted in a loud groan from the more fit followers. Just because I circled the gym at about 10.2 minutes per lap didn't mean everyone else wanted to.

Fitness through humiliation. What an interesting concept! What those wily coaches didn't realize is that I went home and drowned my sorrows in "The A-Team" television series and peanut M&Ms. Guess I showed them.

At the end of the class, everyone had three whole minutes to strip down, shower and dress before the bell rang.

Unfortunately, many girls in puberty aren't particularly thrilled with their bodies and don't want critiques by peers. So, still wearing as much clothing as possible, I would wrap myself in a big towel and treat my hands and feet to a refreshing shower before getting dressed.

I'm sure the people in my next class loved this mode of hygiene, but I simply couldn't let the other girls see my aging Carter's briefs. My mother wasn't one of those "what-if-you-get-into-an-accident" types.

My freshman year was the last I ever took a PE course, although high school offered Weight Watchers PE for girls more than 15 pounds overweight. From all indications, the class consisted of walking around the school grounds picking up trash.

Funny thing is, I would love to take physical education for an hour each day. I'm already dropping several dollars each month for the honor of working out on someone else's equipment.

In freshman PE, I'd get to use taxpayer supported equipment and have someone threaten me into working out.

Maybe the school district can work out something like this. Then give me a call.

~Heidi Nieland is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.