STRANGER THAN FICTION: CHILDREN VERSUS FELINES: WEIGHING THE DAMAGE

They don't stick their paws in electric sockets, but they do scratch up wallpaper.

Yes, the kid-versus-cat battle continues as The Other Half and I consider expanding our family.

For those of you not following the epic saga, we're approaching 30. We're also approaching our third wedding anniversary. Many people our age -- including some very family-oriented cousins -- have a child or two, whereas we have two cats, a brother and sister named Bosco and Romy.

Being a thinking person, I don't just want to run out and get pregnant (or stay in and get pregnant, actually). I've interviewed a few people about how they planned for a family.

"I went to the doctor and failed my pregnancy test. So my husband and I decided to have children," explained one subject.

Yes, it was a deeply moving story, but there were other considerations. Mr. Half and I sat down to compare a few things about kids and cats.

TOILET TRAINING

Kids: A friend's daughter was a prime example of potty training difficulties in the most Freudian way. The theory is that children have a hard time "making poopy" in the potty because it's like losing a part of themselves. Little Cassie was determined not to lose that part of herself by "making poopy" in her panties, then storing them in the drawer with the rest of her panties. Imagine Mommy's surprise.

Cats: They know how to use a litter box right away, but you can't flush a litter box.

CLOTHING

Kids: Sure, the big haul is at the baby shower, which outfits your child for his or her first year of life. But then what? I'll tell you what -- 17 more years of jeans, shoes, socks, underwear, tops, etc. And when they figure out that "Buddy L" brand is not what all the kids are wearing, look out! You'd better have saved your money for some of those shoes with the funky "swooshes" on them.

Cats: They come clothed except for their collars -- $2.59 each. But their clothes shed in clumps on couches, beds and white cashmere sweaters.

MEDICAL CARE

Kids: Sniffles, sneezes and the more unpleasant, stomach-content related symptoms of illness will send you to the doctor countless times as your son or daughter grows. You'd better have good insurance.

Cats: Same deal, but don't bother asking your boss if the health plan covers hairballs. Romy and Bosco also had to be spayed and neutered (one surgery per cat, of course), procedures you wouldn't have to perform on your own children. Although some teenagers I've seen probably shouldn't be allowed to reproduce.

SCHOOLING

Kids: You'll want to get your kid into a good daycare center to prepare him or her for kindergarten. Then, after elementary and secondary schools, there's college. Then your child will probably want a master's and maybe a doctorate for good measure. You know what they say these days. You can't be too rich, too thin or too educated.

Cats: They're entertained for hours by a little ball that rolls on a circular track. It teaches them chasing and pouncing skills, which is really all they need.

HOME SAFETY

Kids: Mr. Half and I moved into an apartment and couldn't get the cabinets open for a long time -- they'd open about three inches and stop. Then we realized they'd been child proofed. We also found plastic thingamajigs in the electric sockets. We guessed the former residents also had every valuable they owned sitting at least four feet off the ground.

Cats: It's not the cats' safety we worry about. It's the safety of our home. We just invested $4.99 in rocks to (A) weight down the fig tree so it can't be tipped as easily and (B) protect the dirt from being scratched out. One doorway of our home has a progression of scratches from the carpet up to the latch. It's kind of like how parents mark their children's growth on doorways.

There's a patch of bare wall in the bathroom where the wallpaper has been torn away, and we can't keep our toilet paper on the roll or the cats unravel it into a large pile.

OK, so we've looked at a few pros and cons. Seems to be a draw.

Maybe we'll just adopt a working 20-year-old living on his own. Then we'll have someone to take care of us in our old age without all the potty training and name-brand shoes.

~Heidi Nieland is a former staff writer for the Southeast Missourian who lives in Pensacola, Fla.