STRANGER THAN FICTION: BIKINIS COME IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES, AND SO DOES CURRENCY

Just when I thought I'd never get my fanny into a two-piece ....

It's officially summer, and you ample women out there know what THAT means, right? A month ago, you were all crowded into the few stores that sell plus-size bathing suits trying to find the least terrifying option.

Not me! I've discovered the amazing world of catalogs, which allows one to embarrass herself in the privacy of her own home and return the rejects as often as necessary.

One catalog that comes to my home -- let's just call it Lane Fatness -- has a wide selection of one-piece suits. I recently ordered one that shows less than the suit my great-grandmother wore to the ocean in 1889. It's got a high neck and built-in shorts. Everything but sleeves, actually.

Still, I don't look quite as nice as the model in the catalog. For the life of me, I can't figure out why they have size 8 women modeling my size 20s. I don't want to know what Miss Perfect looks like in them. I want to know what a woman with dangly arms, a horizontal slit for a belly button and cottage-cheese looking thighs looks like in them.

With enough pressure, maybe the catalog producers will change their mind and hire ME to model bathing suits! Nah.

Anyway, I just HAD to find the most perfect swimwear this year -- The Other Half and I took a trip to Panama City, home of bikini-wearing girls and Speedo-wearing guys.

That trip was a real eye-opener.

Sure, I'm dieting as usual and plan to be svelte or at least die trying. But I don't fool myself into thinking I'm to the bikini level.

Girlfriends, SOME WOMEN DO! I saw some MAJOR bootie hanging out on Panama City Beach. There were women sporting bikinis in ways the good Lord never intended. I was torn between shouting, "You go, girl!" and running away.

The real question here is where in the world did they find those suits? Lane Fatness suits come in a variety of three styles -- hiding the stomach, hiding the hips or hiding the thighs.

Sure, there were the typical skinny blondes on the beach, too. I actually overheard one having a conversation with a male friend.

Her: I've got to start doing something for my body. Do you know I haven't worked out in four years?

Him: No kidding? Well, you look great.

Her: I think it's because I was really active as a child. I played T-ball and everything!

Just when I thought (A) I would vomit and (B) no statement could be more stupid, they started talking about the capitals of states. She couldn't remember the capital of Illinois. "Champaign-Urbana, silly!" the man said. "Oh, yeah!" she giggled.

I was sitting there wondering whether it's better to be a beautiful idiot or a fat intellectual when I noticed a $10 bill floating in the water. It crossed my mind that I should grab it, then say, "As, this is below the legal weight limit, I'll throw it back and wait 'til it's a $20" and see how the lovely couple responded.

But hey, some jokes aren't worth the cash. Especially when you're saving for a new bikini.

~Heidi Nieland is a former staff writer for the Southeast Missourian. She now resides in Pensacola, Fla.