STRANGER THAN FICTION: BAD MAKEOVER RESULTS IN UNCOMFORTABLE DATE NIGHT

I should have been suspicious after noticing my makeup artist wasn't wearing any herself.

Some women can transform their entire appearance with nothing but $10 worth of cosmetics and 15 minutes of time.

Take my friend Julie. Her T-zone has no oily shine. Her lips don't feather. Her mascara never smudges. She looks like a million bucks 24-7.

Or maybe it's really something like 16-7. Because I finally shared a motel room with her at a conference, and she looks really bad from the time she washes her face before bed until the time she wakes up and applies mass amounts of cosmetics. Beady eyes, skinny lips, pale cheeks.

Think Death after a three-day bender.

You've got to admire a girl with that kind of talent.

I'm her polar opposite, as evidenced by the fact that The Other Half can't even tell when I'm wearing makeup. He seems compelled to inquire about it.

"Are you wearing makeup?" he'll say, standing six inches from my face and squinting at me.

Maybe I should just give him a few simple questions to ask himself to determine on his own whether I'm wearing it.

1. Can I see the acne scars my wife has accumulated from 15 years of bad skin?

2. Do her eyebrows appear to be two thin, white-blonde caterpillars glued to her forehead?

3. Do her lips blend in with the rest of her face unless she speaks?

If he answers yes to any of those questions, he'll know I'm not wearing makeup.

After a seeing Julie's amazing transformation and answering Mr. Half one too many times, I decided it was time for a makeover. My last one was in 1985, and cosmetic application has changed just a tad since then.

Just ask David Bowie, who used to wear more makeup than wife Iman.

What a lucky break! -- workers were doing free makeovers at my favorite cosmetics counter last weekend.

My consultant was Erin, a fairly pretty girl who didn't seem to be wearing a single brush-stroke of makeup. Hmmmm, I thought. Maybe she's just so good at applying it you can't even tell she's wearing it!

I sat down. Erin started assessing my skin quality.

"What kind of foundation do you use?" she asked.

"Pore reducing," I said.

She looked mortified. "Oh no, no, no! You've got to use this We're Going To Suck The Money Out Of Your Pockets line of cosmetics.

Here. Let me apply it."

So she did. It was very relaxing, having someone else rub foundation onto my face while assuring me that she'd made up several models for photo shoots. I looked forward to my impending "date night" with Mr. Half. He'll be so impressed, I thought.

"What style of eye makeup should I use?" Erin asked. "Neo-classical, post-modern or I'm-a-total-freak-who-threw-some-eye-shadow-in-the-air-and-caught-it-with-my-face?"

I picked neo-classical. She put on my concealer, eye shadow, blush and finally lipstick. Mr. Half came back during the process -- I'd sent him off to roam the mall. He looked a little shocked.

Erin turned me around to face the mirror. I was a total disaster.

The foundation was easily two shades too dark. Think Gwenyth Paltrow wearing base meant for Jennifer Lopez. The lipstick was applied outside the natural boundaries of my lips. And my eye shadow screamed, "Love for sale!"

The weirdest thing was, Erin didn't even try to sell my any cosmetics. She quickly handed me a package. "Here's your free gift! Have a nice day!"

She probably was afraid her boss would come along, see me and fire her.

The worst part was, I still had dinner and a movie to go to with Mr. Half. I'm not sure whether the people were staring at me over my height, weight or makeup -- it was probably a combination of all three. Maybe I just ought to give up on trying to change my look established in 1985. It's simple, it's elegant, it's easy.

I think I'll swing by the store tomorrow and try to talk Erin into letting me give HER a makeover.

~Heidi Nieland is a former staff writer for the Southeast Missourian who now lives in Pensacola, Fla.