Razor usage linked to fair weather

It's time for spring fashion -- shorts, capris, skirts with no pantyhose. In short, clothing that will dramatically increase my razor usage.

I met with Neil, my hot personal trainer, a few weeks ago to get a new routine. Even as I drove to the gym, I thought, "Ooooo. I should have shaved my legs. Or maybe I shouldn't be wearing shorts."

But I was already running behind and kept going despite my concerns. After all, it's just Neil, who mentions his girlfriend he's "very serious about" at least once per session lest I rip my clothes off in front of the entire gym and pin him to a yoga mat.

Wouldn't you know, the new exercise routine involved a lot of calf work.

"Are you feeling any burning or tightness in your calves?" Neil asked.

Why, oh why didn't I say, "Nope. All clear." Maybe the pain in my calves was affecting my thinking ability. So I said, "Yeah, it really hurts."

Neil was on my calves like a fat kid on cake. "You've really got to stretch two areas," he said, running his hands over them. "Here, and here. OH MY LORD, I THINK YOUR DISGUSTING STUBBLY LEGS HAVE DRAWN BLOOD! CALL 911!"

OK, I'm making up that last part. But I'm thinking we'll never run off to Tahiti together, especially given our visit last week.

It was time to check my weight and body fat percentage to see what progress I've made under his tutelage. Turns out they are exactly the same as when I started paying him three months ago. Neil looked like he was about to cry.

"There's nothing more frustrating for a personal trainer than to see no results in a client," he said.

"But there ARE results," I said. "My knees don't hurt like they did. I can get up and down off the floor with no problem. When my dog acts like he wants to walk a little longer, I take him around the block again instead of dragging him up the driveway."

Neil looked unconvinced. "Well ... if you say so ..."

"Look," I said, breaking into a line I've used before, but on a far different occasion. "It's not you, it's me."

He looked so sad, I promised to lose 10 pounds by our next appointment -- mid-June. If I don't make it, I'll have a friend call to say I died.

* * *

I absolutely cannot believe these gas prices. It cost me $24 at the pump today, and that was with a quarter-tank left!

But here's the part that really kills me -- these politicians and wonks who say, "Well, in Europe, they're paying $5 a gallon!" OK. So we talk about how Europe hates us, how Europe didn't get behind the war in Iraq, how Europeans are jealous of Americans ... and now, when it serves us, we compare ourselves to Europe?

I don't think so.

I don't care what Europe pays for gas. They also eat snails over there, and I don't plan on doing that anytime soon, either.

* n n

I am becoming seriously weird about my dog. Monday morning, I got up and realized the door was left unlocked. "Did you see that door, Stewie?" I asked, walking my dachshund outside. "It was just wide open. WIDE OPEN! Any nut could have walked in there. Yep!"

I looked up to see my next-door neighbor watering a flower bed and staring at me. The humiliation never ends.

Heidi Hall is a former managing editor of the Southeast Missourian. She resides in St. Petersburg, Fla.