PARENTS IN VOODOO TRANCE CRAVE SLEEP

Sleeping Beauty wasn't a mom.

Parents don't get sleep, they just stumble through life in sort of a voodoo trance.

My 2-year-old daughter Becca is still bouncing around at 11 p.m., while my wife Joni and I have virtually collapsed from exhaustion.

Children don't seem to have a biological clock that tells them it's bedtime.

When I tell Becca that I'm tired and ready for bed, she cheerfully replies: "I wake you up, daddy."

With Becca, bedtime isn't an event, it's a marathon of Kids Songs and Barney books.

I'm convinced kids just suck that energy right out of parents. Some day I'm sure scientists will discover just exactly how this energy transfer occurs and then maybe we can take steps to address the problem.

In our household, a good night's sleep is a rarity. Just getting a cat nap is a major accomplishment.

I fantasize about sleep. For me, the ideal vacation would be one where I could close the curtains and go into hibernation for a few weeks.

As it is, lack of sleep is a major topic of discussion with parent friends of ours. We compare notes, recounting our sleep-deprived experiences like badges of courage, and wondering when our children will learn that beds are for sleeping, not gymnastics.

I came across a press release the other day from the Better Sleep Council. It was titled: "Dozing off at the office: New survey uncovers a sleepy workforce." Obviously, this council's talked to parents.

In a survey of 1,000 adults, one in three respondents reported sleeplessness affects their work. I guess that rules out government bureaucrats.

Persons between the ages of 18 and 49 are the sleepiest, the survey showed. I'm not surprised since that encompasses primarily the parenthood years.

Some workers catch up on their sleep at the office. If there were honesty in voice mail, a caller would get the following recording: "I am sleeping at my desk right now. Please don't disturb me. Leave a message and I'll get back to you when my child's grown and moved away from home and I've had a few years to catch up on my sleep."

According to the council, the direct cost of sleepiness to industry has been estimated to be at least $15 billion a year in this country alone; other figures go as high as $50 billion.

"Without sleep, our senses dull. Productivity decreases. Mistakes and accidents increase," the council notes.

Parents already know this. It's tough to clean up the house, let alone step over the jungle of toys, when you're sleepwalking.

To help us all, the sleep council has provided some tips on getting a good night's rest.

1. Keep regular hours. Trouble is, parents already do this. It's just that they are having to live by "kid time" where sleeping is only occasionally allowed and then only if the parents are in a coma.

2. Exercise regularly. Parents already do this. Joni and I do a lot of parental calisthenics -- picking up toys, shoes, socks, assorted clothing, food and anything else Becca's had her hands on.

3. Cut down on stimulants. No way. Caffeine's essential for parents to get enough energy to find matching shoes and get the kid dressed and fed in the morning.

4. Sleep on a good bed. That doesn't help if you're spending your nights sprawled on the floor of your child's nursery, right next to the toddler bed where your kid's sitting up wide awake.

5. Drink in moderation. Unless you have a child, in which case heavy drinking is advisable.

6. Go for quality, not just quantity. Parents don't get either.

7. Watch what you eat. Parents don't even know what they eat. They're too busy trying to get their children to eat something besides candy.

Actually, my advice is none of the above. The only way really for parents to get any rest is to pack off their children to grandmother's for the night.

Of course, on the rare occasion when that occurs, you generally get so excited by the prospect of sleep that you can't get any. In which case, you might as well be awake singing Barney songs.

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.