MARK MY WORDS: STOP THE PRESSES: ELVIS IS BARNEY

Stop the presses. Forget about Haiti. The real story is Elvis. The rock 'n' roll legend is alive.

At least, that is the conclusion of the Presley Commission, which spent 2 1/2 years sleuthing for proof that Elvis lives.

Their conclusion: Threats from organized crime forced Elvis to fake his death and stage a phony funeral with a perspiring wax likeness inside a coffin so he could enter the federal witness protection program.

Since then, the King has moved from place to place, resorting to various disguises and aliases, these intrepid gumshoes reported to the world last week.

Of course, there could have been a simpler explanation: Join the witness protection program or get a hip replacement.

The 25-member commission reportedly used materials from books and obtained hundreds of government and medical documents under the Freedom of Information Act. Did the commission also take a close look at the Elvis stamp?

It would have been easier if they had just read the supermarket tabloids, which have reported sightings of Elvis and space aliens for years.

At any rate, the commission feels it has unearthed the shocking truth: The body found in the bedroom of Presley's Memphis mansion, Graceland, on Aug. 16, 1977, was actually the cousin of the singer's manager and not Michael Jackson.

And the body in the coffin was a wax dummy, cooled by an elaborate system of dry ice and battery powered fans. The commission says that is why Elvis appeared to be sweating at his own funeral.

Phil Aitcheson, a freight trucking broker who put the commission together, and the investigative coordinator performed their own experiment. They cooled a wax candle in the freezer (presumably it wasn't burning at the time). They then took the candle out of the freezer. In room temperature, condensation formed on the candle's surface.

But while Phil and his buddies might have been "All Shook Up" by their discovery, the real truth is even more shocking.

Elvis is Barney.

The purple, roly-poly dinosaur who delights youngsters with his syrupy television show and video tapes is really Elvis.

I discovered this without ever once sticking a candle in the freezer. My research consisted of watching the same two Barney tapes over and over and over again with my daughter, Becca.

When you watch Barney that much, you know every move of that purple performer.

The costume is big enough to hide a whale boat or a chubby Elvis. And he still can't resist a little wiggle and jump.

Instead of "Love Me Tender," he is singing "I Love You" and talking about "a great big hug and a kiss" in a voice that has no doubt been electronically altered.

Elvis still yearns for the limelight. As Barney, he still has that mass, cult appeal. Baby Bop loves the guy almost as much as her yellow blankie.

And he is still raking in the money. Barney ranks as the third best-paid entertainer behind Steven Spielberg and Oprah Winfrey.

When 1993-94 sales from toys, cassettes, lunch boxes, underpants and other merchandise are calculated, Barney will amass $84 million, according to Forbes magazine.

With that kind of money, Elvis can afford to remain dead a little longer. And as Barney would say, that is "Super-dee-duper."

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.