MARK MY WORD: VIRTUAL PETS AREN'T ANYTHING LIKE BABIES OR EVEN FISH

Virtual pets beep for attention, but not in our home.

They poop, play and need plenty of attention.

They're not dogs, cats or even babies.

No, these are virtual pets. They are egg-sized toys that depict the life of video animals from dogs to rats on a liquid crystal screen attached to a key chain.

This is the latest craze to hit the toy market, pushing aside such favorites as Tickle Me Elmo and Beanie Babies.

The virtual pet craze started in Japan where there's barely enough room for all the people, much less anything like a real pet.

Virtual pets require a lot of care. Each oval screen displays one of 40 different animals, including dinosaurs, that are hatched from tiny eggs and take about 10 days to become adults and get their driver's license.

The so-called pet beeps when it's hungry, sick, poops or wants to play.

It sometimes beeps for no apparent reason just to see if the owner is on the ball.

Virtual pets that are fed too much and not exercised enough get fat and lazy.

One toy store employee said the pet was like a baby.

Wrong.

As a dad with two pre-school daughters, I've had first-hand knowledge about babies.

They don't confine themselves to a liquid crystal screen and don't come attached to key chains.

There isn't any diaper-changing requirement with these toys and you don't have to rob a bank to send them to college.

Besides, life isn't something you can just stuff in your pockets.

Virtual pets aren't even pets by my leave-them-alone-and-they'll-come-home standard.

As a youngster, I had fish, which are good pets because they don't get under feet or eat your socks. They also never run away.

Aside from fish, pets are supposed to lick you. A screen-only pet can't do that. It also can't bite the mailman or scratch the furniture.

Virtual toys in Japan die when they're not cared for adequately. But toymakers there deemed that wouldn't suit caring Americans. So the made-for-America pets simply return to their home planet. A new pet is born to take its place.

One woman carried her pet everywhere, attached to a loop on her jeans. Toward the end, it was beeping every 15 minutes.

It got to the point that she was able to push buttons on the toy to meet its needs without even looking.

She said it was a little annoying, but then she wouldn't have bought the thing if she didn't want the responsibility.

She said all that beeping reminded her of a child.

Personally, I've never known of a beeping child. I've seen plenty of crying and screaming ones. But beeping ones are rare.

So far, the toymakers haven't marketed a virtual child-in-a-screen toy. But I wouldn't be surprised to see one in the future.

As a parent, however, I'm not in the market for a virtual baby. For one thing, I'd need twins or my children would fight over it.

Besides, a virtual baby would be beeping constantly in our house. Joni and I have plenty to do taking care of Becca and Bailey.

In our home, we don't have time for a bunch of beeps.

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.