MARK MY WORD: TRICK OR TREAT, WE'RE ALL PROUD OF THE WHIGS

There's nothing like a good old-fashioned, made-in-the-USA election. OK, the political buttons were made in Taiwan, but you get the point.

While George Bush and Al Gore search for last-minute handshakes and photo opportunities across the fruited plain and anywhere else they can find a bunch of undecided voters, the political pundits are hard at work finding something to say.

Of course, they've said it all before. But so have the candidates. We've already heard their speeches. We've seen them on the talk shows.

What is it about talk shows? Does hobnobbing with Jay Leno qualify you to be president?

George Washington never would have done it. But George W. and the vice president jumped at the chance to show they are real people too who know how to do more than wear a nice suit.

Maybe, there's something to this stuff. Perhaps, we could eliminate the need for lengthy and expensive presidential campaigns if we give the candidates guest shots on "The West Wing" series. The ratings winner could be given the job of president, at least for the television season.

For those of you who have been stuck on ESPN all year, you might wonder just what Gore and Bush stand for.

As an informed journalist, I can tell you that both men are for education, health care, working families, and anyone who will vote for them. They are against crime, illegal drugs and bad TV shows.

The key for voters is to figure out who would make the best use of the Oval Office and Air Force One.

Third-party candidates will tell you that neither man is up to the job, but it's hard to ignore their power ties and well-tailored suits.

If there is one thing Americans want, it's a well-dressed president. We don't want a professional wrestler in the White House.

Of course, the problem for most presidential candidates is how to put their opponent in a political head lock without looking like a wild-eyed wrestler.

William Henry Harrison would have understood the problem. He was the nation's ninth president in large part because he was part of a fractured Whig Party that opted for antics rather than a cohesive party platform.

Party leaders told Harrison to say "not one single word about his principles or creed"

A Democratic newspaper charged that all Harrison wanted for the rest of his life was a pension, a log cabin and plenty of hard cider.

The Whigs agreed, presenting Harrison as "the log cabin, hard cider" candidate.

The Whigs complained that Harrison's Democratic opponent, Martin Van Buren, wore "corsets and silk stockings."

Alas, Jerry Springer wasn't around to push the issue. Still, it was a fun election for corset and cider fans and set the tone for modern presidential campaigns and professional wrestling.

Of course, none of this matters to Becca and Bailey who cornered the market on Halloween candy last week.

They have enough candy to send a presidential campaign into overdrive, never mind that many Americans view the election as more of a trick than a treat.