MARK MY WORD: TICKLE ME ELMO CRAZE NOT A LAUGHING MATTER

The Grinch stole Christmas; do you think he had anything to do with this Elmo caper?

There's nothing funny about Tickle Me Elmo, that fake-red fur of a doll that giggles when you tickle it.

It's no laughing matter to parents, who can't find the Sesame Street character anywhere. Stores all across America have run out of them, leaving a whole bunch of us out in the cold.

Joni and I wanted to buy one for 1-year-old daughter Bailey. But we quickly discovered that Elmo had done a disappearing act.

For some reason, Santa's elves didn't make enough Elmos. Actually, they contracted with people in China to do it. Talk to any store clerk and he or she will tell you that more Elmo dolls are being manufactured. But it is a safe bet they're on a slow boat from China and won't arrive until after Christmas.

In the meantime, parents will have to make do with Big Bird, unless they want to mortgage the house and their kids' future college education.

While stores don't have the furry little mop, plenty of people do. These people bought the dolls months ago for under $30 with the idea of giving them to their kids for Christmas. But now, they've decided to get Johnny some other toy and sell their Tickle Me Elmo dolls to the highest bidder.

So what if Johnny is disappointed on Christmas Day? Mom and dad can always blame it on Santa's wayward elves and pocket all that money instead.

People are selling Tickle Me Elmo dolls for hundreds of dollars over the Internet. I found one site where some Mr. Scrooge wanted to sell the doll without even the box for $500. And Merry Christmas to you, too.

One guy has received more than 1,400 Internet bids for a single Tickle Me Elmo doll.

The situation is turning ugly. One man felt obligated to write a lengthy piece on his Internet site defending toy scalping and explaining just why he and his wife are willing to sell their son's Elmo.

"We were going to give it to our 18-month-old son for Christmas, but that was before everyone completely lost their heads about this thing. It is certainly a cute toy and I'm sure our boy would love it, but we have absolutely no reason to hang on to it when all you folks have gone berserk for them," he wrote.

Besides, he pointed out that his young son can wait until after Christmas when the store shelves will be full of Elmos.

This entrepreneur said he is only trying to help those parents who are dying to latch onto Elmo for the holidays. "Wouldn't you rather pay my price for Elmo rather than be caught on camera by your local TV news station tearing it out of a little girl's hands at a toy store riot?" he asked.

Put that way, he has a point.

I wouldn't stoop to assault and battery, but I did offer to buy one from a friend who bought the popular Muppet months ago. My wife elbowed me, and accused me of being ill-mannered. Hey, there's no harm in asking. After all, it is the season of giving, and besides I want one. Joni asked if Elmo is for Bailey or me. What do you think?

At this point, many parents have turned the quest into the search for the Holy Grail. We're on two enormously long waiting lists at local stores, where clerks cringe at the mere mention of his name. The Grinch stole Christmas; do you think he had anything to do with this Elmo caper?

For now, I guess we'll have to make do with our own "Tickle Me Elmo." This is the manual kind. The one we have is a fuzzy, six-inch doll that doesn't make a sound. We use it to tickle close family members. We provide our own sound effects. No fake voice laughter for us.

Besides, we do have a Bubba, the monkey-with-an-attitude doll. It says 200 different things and when you turn it upside down, it talks backward in a way that only politicians could understand. At any rate, Joni assures me that Bubba is just as hard to find as Elmo.

If so, perhaps we should sell Bubba on the Internet. We could make some fast Christmas cash, buy that little red fur ball and get the monkey off our backs.

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.