MARK MY WORD: SATURDAY NIGHT CAN BE A DISASTER

Saturday nights can be tough on folks.

We know this because of that great American institution: The Survey. Without it, politicians wouldn't have anything to talk about and average citizens wouldn't know just why they are average.

The great thing about a survey is that anyone can participate, even the family dog. There is only one prerequisite, you have to be alive. No doubt, the survey gurus will some day overcome that obstacle too.

More than 1,000 people recently responded to a national survey sponsored by the Home Box Office (HBO) cable television channel.

Forty-five percent of the respondents viewed Saturday night as their big night out. But many reported that their Saturday nights often turned into disasters.

Seventeen percent of respondents experienced their worst Saturday night at a party, while 16 percent suffered at dinner. Maybe it was the fish.

Finishing third was the blind date, which was responsible for one in 10 lousy Saturday nights.

A third of all women who had a bad Saturday night blamed their companions. But 1 percent blamed their pets.

There is a lesson here: Never date a dog or cat unless they are on a leash.

Nineteen percent of respondents said their companions had gotten sick or drunk. One in six respondents had their Saturday nights ruined by companions who tried to make romantic advances to others or disappeared in the middle of the night.

Disappearing in the middle of the night is particularly rude. Cats and dogs do this all the time, which is another reason not to date them.

Among those personally blamed for dismal Saturday nights were former President Nixon, former Michigan football coach Bo Schembechler and two prostitutes. Presumably, they didn't crash the same party.

Almost a quarter of all city dwellers had a bad Saturday night because of a stranger, which one assumes was neither a pet nor a blind date.

Respondents said the worst things that their dates had done on Saturday nights included not showing up, talking about an ex-spouse and the ultimate in anti-social behavior -- dying.

"People see Saturday night as a hit or miss proposition and they want an option that will keep them happy," said Denny Wilkinson, HBO's senior vice president of consumer marketing.

It appears, however, that HBO didn't survey parents of toddlers. Saturday nights are always a hit or miss proposition when you have a 2-year-old.

One minute your child can be building the Taj Mahal out of wooden blocks and the next she has wrapped herself up like a mummy in your last roll of toilet paper.

My daughter, Becca, is going through her Superman stage. She loves to leap from tall chairs, tables and high-rise buildings.

Eating dinner with her can be a messy affair, particularly if chocolate is on the menu, but at least she doesn't disappear in the middle of the night. She doesn't know anyone named Bo and she doesn't get drunk.

Our family doesn't have a dog or cat to blame either. Our only pet is Barney the dinosaur, and you can turn him off.

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.