MARK MY WORD: PRENUPTIAL PLANS AREN'T FOR PARENTS

I found the decapitated, partially nude bodies on my living room carpet. It wasn't a pretty sight to see Barbie dolls treated that way.

Underneath a pile of unblemished Barbies, I spotted one of the heads with its blonde hair and earrings in place. I haven't found the other head.

It makes you wonder if Ken is a serial killer?

I used to think Barbie dolls were indestructible. Now, I know better.

Being the parents of a 4-year-old, Joni and I regularly find Barbie dolls reposing on our living room floor or in the big doll house that has been camped out in a corner of our living room since Christmas.

No prenuptial agreement could have foreseen all of that.

An Albuquerque, N.M., couple have a 16-page prenuptial agreement that spells out the rules of their life. It covers everything from how much sex they will have to who will do the laundry.

It's obvious this couple doesn't have children.

One of their rules is that nothing will be left on the floor overnight unless they are packing for a trip.

That wouldn't work in our house or any other home where there are young children. Come to think of it, that didn't work even when Joni and I had no children.

Our 4-year-old Becca views a floor as a great place to leave her shoes, dresses, toys, dolls and even food.

Getting everything off the floor is something you don't even do when company comes. There aren't enough hours in a day to pick up all the toys.

Rex and Teresa LeGalley's prenuptial agreement doesn't say anything about kids. But if they have kids, they'll have to scrap the fine print or come up with some new rules.

Who will mix up the bottles of formula every night and change diapers? Will they share those chores or does that come under Teresa's duties of "inside house chores"?

The LeGalleys have a "lights out by 11:30 p.m. and up by 6:30 a.m." policy. Haven't these guys ever heard of sleeping late?

Of course, as parents you don't get to sleep late. But you're regularly still up after 11:30 p.m. trying to get the dishes done, the bills paid and everything else accomplished that you didn't get done earlier in the evening because you were playing with Barbies, picking up after your child, giving your child a bath, and getting her to bed.

Now that we have a second child, a 2-month-old baby girl, I can attest to the fact that sleep is a rare commodity for us.

Bailey wakes up in the middle of the night. It's an unwritten "lights on" policy for her.

There are still other issues the LeGalleys would have to face with parenthood.

Who will take the kids to Burger King or some other fast-food place? What happens when they get sick? Do Rex and Teresa take turns or does one of them get saddled permanently with "sick kid" duty.

Wear a coat in winter, wash your hair and don't play on the stairs are all good rules.

But it's impossible to formulate enough rules to cover parenting and the changeable nature of childhood.

Just when you least expect it, you'll find a headless Barbie.

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.