MARK MY WORD: POOL HELPS TO SPLASY AWAY PARENTAL TENSION

Our house used to be filled with stacks of Cosmopolitan magazine and Newsweek.

But that was before Joni and I ventured into the world of parenthood.

Today, we're covered with Parents magazine, whose monthly issues are full of tips on how to keep your child from turning into an ax murderer.

There are articles on everything from nursery rhymes (they're good for you) to urinary-tract infections (they're bad for you).

Midwest flooding? Oklahoma City bombing? You won't find any of that stuff in this publication.

But "Fifteen Ways to Stop Yelling" gets front-cover billing, as does "How to Raise Polite Kids."

The "Stop Yelling" piece provided advice from readers. One mom suggested buying an indoor trampoline to wear out the kids and allow parents to keep their cool.

No doubt this idea works because after one jump, the kid hits his head on the ceiling and is out cold for the rest of the afternoon.

Instead of yelling, another mom talks like a bear and growls.

I can imagine the outcome here. All that bear talk gets the attention of the local game warden, who promptly tranquilizes her, much to the delight of the children.

As a father, I think having polite kids is a good idea. But being polite is tough when you are 3.

Our daughter, Becca, likes to yell and scream, particularly when we get on the phone.

Becca can be having a great time and then the phone rings. In less than a minute, she will have parachuted off the couch onto her face, demanded candy in a voice louder than Rush Limbaugh's or done something else that is sure to distract you.

Lately she has been telling all of her 3-year-old buddies that they aren't her friends.

Unfortunately, the magazine article on politeness doesn't help. It deals only with 7- to 10-year-olds.

After all, 3-year-olds can't even spell polite, much less be it. But they do know how to have fun.

Our neighbors have a big, above-ground pool. Becca saw them in the pool Sunday and immediately wanted to get in her Little Tikes pool.

Joni and I dragged the hard plastic bowl out of the backyard shed and proceeded to clean up a winter's worth of scum.

After filling it with water, Becca paraded into the pool in her swimming suit and proceeded to splash around. It's amazing how much fun a kid can have in a plastic bowl of a pool filled with less than a foot of garden-hose water.

I put on my swimming suit and climbed into the pool to play with Becca. But my daughter immediately evicted me.

She informed me that I was taking up too much room in the pool and I had to get out.

OK, it's not a big pool, unless you are a mosquito. In that case, Becca's pool would qualify as a five-star hotel.

As for me, I didn't even get room service.

I spent the rest of the afternoon sitting in a plastic lawn chair, with my feet resting in the water.

I kicked the water with my feet, sending giant waves crashing over the side. Seated in the pool, a giggly Becca joined in.

There's nothing like a big splash to wash away parental tension. And it's a heck of a lot better than yelling.

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.