MARK MY WORD: PARENTS, KIDS NEED A CONTRACT

Republicans have a "Contract with America."

Personally, I'd like to have a contract with my 2-year-old.

The GOP wants a balanced budget amendment and a legislative line-item veto.

I would settle for getting Becca to pick up all her toys so our house no longer resembles a Gremlins' Christmas special.

Republicans say the Contract with America is rooted in three core principles: accountability, responsibility and opportunity.

If my wife, Joni, and I had a contract with our daughter, it would be rooted in three principles as well: Listen to your parents, listen to your parents and listen to your parents.

Like many politicians, Becca is far better at talking than she is listening.

Of course, we would have to include plenty of sentences in our contract on the order of this:

"Like Mother Goose, we intend to act like true-blue parents and restore accountability to the nursery."

No more will our child have free reign of the kitchen candy counter. She will have to work for such food, a major change from the devastating candy welfare system Becca had become dependent on.

The Republican contract includes the American Dream Restoration Act, which includes the American Dream Savings Account to provide middle-class tax relief.

Personally, I'd settle for just getting a little sleep, nevermind all those dreams.

I think any contract with America should require children to be in bed by 10 p.m. Of course, this would prove difficult for children like Becca who prefer to stay up late into the night, watching David Letterman and Barney tapes.

Any "Contract with America's Parents" should include money for baby-sitting, or at the very least the name of a good baby sitter.

It also would be nice if Congress would include a clothing allowance for America's children.

Becca already has acquired a taste for good clothes. She doesn't want to wear the pants in the family. She prefers cute dresses, which she views as perfect attire for church or playing in the mud.

The Republicans want to take a tough approach to crime. But I would just settle for putting the kids in "time out" or banishing them to their room.

The GOP talks about the need for a stronger truth-in-sentencing law. Parents have operated by such a rule for years.

"If you don't stop doing that, you'll be in time out, young lady."

The GOP also doesn't want U.S. troops under U.N. command.

There are times, however, moms and dads are so hard up for a baby sitter they would settle for U.N. troops.

The GOP contract promises to do something for families. But nowhere is there any mention of potty training or mandatory bath time.

Republicans want all laws that apply to the rest of the country to apply equally to Congress.

I'm uncertain about including a similar provision in my contract with Becca. I wouldn't mind having to take an afternoon nap, but I don't think I should have to abide by an early bedtime.

Of course, any written contract with Becca would be difficult to enforce, particularly because she doesn't yet read or write.

I guess she will just have to settle for parental pronouncements and plenty of hugs.

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.