MARK MY WORD: PARENTING IS TOUGH: IT HELPS TO TAKE A CLASS

Joni and I are taking a parenting class.

It's the thing to do in the '90s when thirty-something and forty-something parents are trying to figure out just what to do with those bundles of joy that are running circles around us.

As parents of a 4-year-old and a 4-month-old, we figured it couldn't hurt to get some expert advice.

Besides that, the parenting class is in many ways a support group for parents who have been bounced around by parenthood.

This class is being taught by the minister at our church, who is a parent with older children and has already been through the how-to-deal-with-young-children stage.

Experience is important here.

Virtually everything in life comes with an instruction manual except parenting.

Hospitals send you home from the hospital with explicit instructions on everything from feeding the baby to changing diapers. But there are no instructions on raising a child so he or she doesn't become a disgruntled, machine-gun toting, ex-postal worker.

Thanks to this class, Joni and I are learning all sorts of things about parenting.

Unfortunately, most of parenting is multiple choice; there are no easy answers.

You soon realize this if you take a parenting class.

This isn't a parenting class like they have at high schools where students carry a doll around or a sack of flour and pretend to care for it. This is a class with parents who have dealt with sleepless nights, the "your mean, mommy" remarks, and everything else that children can throw your way.

Being a parent is a lot like being an actor in a play with more parts than players.

Just when you think you've learned your lines, your children do something that forces you to come up with some new ones.

There are plenty of roles for parents. There's the commander-in-chief role where parents try to hand down marching orders to their children.

It hasn't worked for Clinton, and I don't think it works for us either.

It's tough to draft your children to do anything.

So you have to turn to other means, like screaming and yelling.

Just kidding. Of course, parents don't scream or yell. We just raise our voices a lot.

In the old days, spanking was big. But today's parents are more sensitive. We don't want to spank anyone, except perhaps our political leaders.

Today's solution is timeout, where you attempt to make children sit still as punishment.

Nothing bothers a kid more than sitting still. The whole idea of childhood is one of perpetual motion.

When you get older, you're content to sit still awhile.

I'm not sure timeout works any better with children than it does for baseball players, who spend precious minutes getting set in the batter's box only to strike out.

I think I have a better idea: When all havoc breaks loose at home, it is the parents that should sit in timeout.

At least that way maybe we could get some rest. Trouble is, we might lapse into a deep sleep and forget all about our important parental duties.

These include offering sound advice such as "Don't hang your sister from the Jungle Gym" or "You can't go to school in your underwear."

Parents spend a lot of time saying "no."

But thanks to parenting class, we'll be able to say no in more inventive ways.

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.