MARK MY WORD: NO NEED TO CELEBRATE: SURPRISE CHECK IN THE MAIL WAS SMALL CHANGE

It's everyone's dream. No, not to marry a rich gal or guy, or even a White House intern.

No, the dream I'm talking about is securing that big insurance settlement -- the kind that will take you around the world and then some.

The other day, the mail brought us a surprise: two checks from the Conservation and Liquidation office of the California Insurance Commissioner. An accompanying notice said the checks reflected money we were owed as a result of the demise of a West Coast insurance company through which we had obtained life insurance coverage years earlier.

The company found it didn't own a piece of the Rock or anything else that could keep it afloat.

In the end, California's insurance regulators stepped in to clean up the mess.

Which gets us to the checks in the mail. It turns out we were owed money from some trust that was set up to deal with the financial mess.

The end result was that I received a check for 17 cents and Joni received one for eight cents. It cost more than that to send us the checks in the mail and process all the paperwork.

The note from the insurance commissioner advised us not to cash the checks if we aren't the people who should receive the payments. After all, it would be horrible if the wrong person came into a 25-cent windfall.

The note suggested we call the claims department in San Francisco if we had any questions about our insurance checks.

Naturally, I called in hopes of understanding why anyone would go to the trouble to send off pennies-only checks. I was hoping to talk to a real person.

Instead, I was greeted by a recording, which noted that the checks reflected money that had been withheld in the trust until all the "potential losses" had been identified and paid.

The voice made it clear that no payment was too small. "We do this because this is your money and you are entitled to it. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you."

They should apologize. What kind of windfall is 25 cents? Where's the spirit of giving?

At any rate, we haven't cashed the checks yet.

Since it is Christmas, maybe we should try to make the best of it and donate it to President Clinton's defense fund.

I figure there are a lot of people who got checks just like we did. If they all donated their insurance money to Clinton, it would add up to about $5.

Of course, that's not even enough to buy a decent box of chocolate.

A recent study says that men may live longer if they indulge in chocolates.

A study of nearly 8,000 men, all Harvard graduates, found that chocolate and candy eaters live almost a year longer than those who abstain. Apparently, that has something to do with the antioxidants in the tasty treat.

Antioxidant are supposed to be good for your health. Just knowing that these things are in your food is bound to make people feel better. Who needs to work out when you can live longer just by eating chocolate?

At this rate, our children should be able to live for a century.

This Christmas, I will do my best to prolong my life by eating plenty of chocolate. Of course, I could have afforded a whole factory of candy if those insurance checks had been more substantial.

I know the adage is that a penny saved is a penny earned. But these days a penny saved doesn't go far enough.

Besides, by the time we pay taxes on the insurance money, there won't be anything left to spend.

But then, money isn't everything and some insurance policies don't amount to much. You can take that to the bank, but I wouldn't advise it.

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.