MARK MY WORD: NEW BABY NAME GAME PROVES CHALLENGING

Shakespeare was wrong.

A rose by any other name could be downright terrible when you are choosing baby names.

My wife, Joni, and I have been giving a lot of thought to baby names these days in anticipation of a new arrival in December.

The ultrasound indicates our second child will be a girl or a battleship.

Naturally, we had a boy's name picked out. So we are back to square one.

Those baby name books don't make it any easier.

We have been reading through the "20,001 Names for Baby" book.

Why the author couldn't stop at a nice round number like 20,000 is beyond me.

Many of the names look and sound like aliens on a "Star Trek" episode.

These books list the meaning of names. That alone makes you want to drop kick some names into oblivion.

Agrafina, for instance, is Russian for "born feet first."

Personally, I don't want to name a child after hospital records or anything to do with the birthing process.

Alvar is another name on the "absolutely no way" list. Alvar means "army of elves."

This name only works if you plan to work in a certain cookie factory.

Lilith is out too. It means "night demon." One Old Testament translation refers to her as "the night hag."

In case you still like this name, the book adds this warning. "Connotations of the name are so fearsome that it is rarely used."

And these books can't just list a name. They have to list names for the names.

There isn't just an Ann. There are also Aine, Ana, Anci, Anechka, Anet, Ayn and a whole bunch of other derivations that look like a bunch of jumbled, eye charts.

For older parents, the naming game is particularly tough. That's because you know too many people whom you associate with particular names.

Also, all your friends have children and have used up a bunch of names, leaving you with only Klingon names to choose from.

Centuries ago, it wasn't so tough to name children. You didn't have to worry whether the first name fit with the last name.

There were no last names or middle names.

But in the Middle Ages, people decided it would be a good idea to have last names so the post office could deliver the mail.

People chose last names on the basis of occupations, descriptions and locations, but mail delivery was still slow.

Some occupations didn't make it as last names. Corrupt Bureaucrat and Ax Murderer weren't popular.

At any rate, Joni and I are still contemplating girls' names.

So far, we have ruled out flowers, plants, countries, states, continents, planets, seasons, dish soap and Greek mythology.

We still have a few months left to find that one perfect name that will leave friends and family saying, "Huh?"

One thing's for certain. We won't be leaving the decision to our 3-year-old daughter, Becca.

She favors a descriptive name: "Itsy-bitsy Stinky Poo Poo."

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.