MARK MY WORD: MALL OF AMERICA IS ONE HUGE PLACE

For shopaholics, nothing can compete with the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minn.

It is bigger than big. The parking garage alone is larger than many towns. The four-story mall itself is larger than most Third World countries.

My wife, Joni, and I recently journeyed to the Twin Cities. Like other tourists, we had to stop at America's largest mall, if only to get lost.

There are lighted directories everywhere. Even so, you almost need a tour guide to find your way around.

Otherwise, you have to stand around for an hour trying to read all the names of the 400-plus shops or wander aimlessly around like a lost moose in a Garrison Keillor story.

This shrine of cash registers is immense.

Just walking through the mall could take a week. You could shop until you drop and still not see everything.

Mall of America's 4.2 million square feet is five times larger than Moscow's Red Square, the fact sheet says. Yes, it's so big it has its own fact sheet and even mall souvenir stores.

The 40 acres of gardens surrounding Buckingham Palace would fit inside Mall of America, but I doubt the queen would like it.

The mall has almost 13,000 permanent jobs and its 12,900 tons of air conditioning could cool 2,200 homes.

The mall has handled over 4,000 miles of toilet paper since it opened three years ago. Fortunately, there are a lot of forests still left.

Minnesota is one of those environmentally friendly states. In our journey through the mall, Joni and I saw countless stores that sell stuffed animals in a can and other nature-friendly items.

One shop sold cassette tapes featuring music mixed with animal sounds. If you're into jazz punctuated by piercing wolf howls, this is your kind of place.

One store advertised a drawing where you could win a trip to a Costa Rican rain forest, one of the last spots in the world that's still mall-free.

In the middle of the mall is Knott's Camp Snoopy, a seven-acre theme park that has 25 rides and attractions, seven shops, three entertainment theaters, eight places to eat and a giant, inflated image of the famous beagle.

There's Paul Bunyan's Log Chute ride, which ends by plunging you over a 40-foot waterfall. There is a giant roller coaster, a seven-story Ferris wheel and plenty of other rides.

You could easily go bankrupt here without ever getting hitched. But if you want to get married, you can do that too at the mall's Chapel of Love, a 75-seat wedding chapel that has its own postcards.

There's a 1-800 number for blissful couples to reserve their nuptial moment. A 90-minute wedding with Chapel of Love garter and all the trimmings costs nearly $1,300.

But you can go the economy route instead. For $195, you can marry your sweetheart in a 20-minute ceremony in the presence of two guests.

Then, you can go shopping with your new wife and really spend a fortune.

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.