MARK MY WORD: IT'S EASY TO FIND A GIFT TO BARK ABOUT

If you're man's best friend, you could have something to bark about this Christmas.

There are plenty of new doggie gifts to please even the most particular pooch.

Take "Doggie Adventure," for example. This isn't a Disney movie about yapping dalmatians.

It is a 25-minute video that clearly takes the low road, about two feet above the ground.

Shot from a dog's point of view, this venture into canine cinema takes your dog on a ride in a car, through a zoo, among the aisles of a pet store, for a romp through a barnyard full of farm animals, and down a city sidewalk, with appropriately timed stops at fire hydrants.

For all you dogs out there, I know what you're thinking. Is there any sex in this movie?

Well, I don't have a clue. I don't even know if there is any heavy panting. None of the dogs in my neighborhood are big movie goers. Fire hydrants are just a fantasy for these fenced-in dogs.

For the clothes-conscious canine, there is the leather-look bomber jacket that would be the envy of most street gangs.

Complete with a synthetic sheepskin collar, it snaps on in the front, has a velcro waist and a chic Milk-Bone patch.

You're dog won't smell up the joint with Le Pooch and La Pooch dog fragrances, designer shampoos and conditioners.

This stuff is just what you need for your groomed German shepherd.

Elizabeth Taylor wouldn't be caught dead using pooch perfume, but your co-workers would never guess what gives you your bark.

There are also plenty of wild and crazy chew toys. They come in all shapes and sizes, everything from traditional shoe, sock and rib-steak shapes to cars, alarm clocks, hamburgers and dinosaurs.

Each toy makes a sound when the dog chews on it. After your pooch has gnawed on the toy a few hundred times in a single day, you will no doubt want to throw the darn thing away or get ear plugs.

For those who like their dogs on the rugged side, you can hitch a ride with a musher in the 1996 Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race.

This is the race where a bunch of crazed people annually trek through snow and ice in Alaska. The goal is to finish the race without turning into frozen food.

To do so, you have to depend on White Fang or 16 huskies pulling you across the frozen North in a sled.

Those who want to experience what it is like to live in a giant freezer can bid for the right to accompany more than 60 mushers.

You have to bid at least $500 for the right to freeze to death. That seems a small price to pay for the privilege of racing around with a pack of hairy dogs.

Interested persons can call 1-800-566-SLED.

The race follows the Iditarod Trail between Anchorage and Nome, a historic mail route that dates back to 1910 when postmen and dogs were still getting along.

If you sign up for this race, you might want to take along a few doggie gifts just to keep those hounds happy.

Of course, if the huskies were shown the doggie movie, they might abandon the Alaskan wilderness for a good home, with sidewalks and fire hydrants.

Now, that would be something to bark about.

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.