MARK MY WORD: IN MY WORLD, LIFE CAN'T BE FILTERED THROUGH A FISH BOWL

Summary: I grew up in a pet-challenged household. My wife grew up in a zoo.

You just never know what you'll get in the mail.

The other day, I received an advertisement that promised to fix me up with an aquarium, fish and all.

I wouldn't even have to clean out the tank. The aquarium service would handle it.

Finally, a maintenance-free pet. Even virtual pets can't make that claim.

But call me a skeptic. It sounds too good to be true.

Besides, there isn't any guarantee the fish won't die.

I grew up in a pet-challenged household. But we did have fish.

Still, it was tough to keep all those guppies alive. You had to worry about keeping the water at the proper temperature and not overfeeding them.

If you weren't careful, you'd end up with a fish fry as a result of a faulty heater.

Don't get me wrong. I like to look at those fish swimming slowly around in those well-lit, restaurant aquariums.

But mine never looked like that. Mine looked like a poster child for pond scum.

I'm surprised that officials of the Environmental Protection Agency didn't show up on our doorstep with a cease-and-desist order.

Our aquarium, however, was on the small side so it probably wouldn't have qualified as a Superfund site.

In the pet world, fish don't really count. It's not like you can pet them.

They can't fetch the paper, although they might try to nibble at it if you drop it in the tank.

My wife, Joni, grew up in a far different environment. Her family had a whole house full of animals, including dogs, cats and reptiles.

They could have opened their own zoo.

To this day, Joni has a soft spot for stray animals.

A stray cat camped outside our house the other day. Joni was ready to adopt it.

But I resisted. I wasn't about to let that fluffy, fur ball inside. Besides, we are all allergic.

I was sure that once inside it would have gotten lost in the clutter of children's toys and clothes.

Fortunately, the cat grew tired of waiting for an invitation. A girl down the street ended up taking in the stray.

That suited me just fine. My kids could visit and we wouldn't have to clean out the litter box.

As to the fish service, the brochure claims that the company will "maximize your relaxation time."

I'd welcome a little relaxation time. But I don't think an aquarium full of fish is the answer.

The world's parents need something else.

We need a company that will remove the clutter in our lives; one that will put away the toys and pick up all those clothes that children leave scattered around.

Personally, I don't see how we can avoid all that childhood clutter.

But at least we aren't living our lives in a filtered fish bowl. More importantly, we know when to come up for air.

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.