MARK MY WORD: GOOD GALAXIES, BLACK HOLES WOULD BE SUPER FOR OUR HOME

If black holes are good enough for the universe, why can't we use some in our homes?

If only we could harness black holes in our homes like we do electricity, we'd be so much better off.

For one thing, we'd no longer have to pick up all those toys on the family room carpet. We could relegate them to some black hole where they wouldn't be visible when friends or relatives stopped in to visit.

Rather than worry about global warming and the possibility that ice cream will melt even faster, the federal government needs to be taking a hard look at this black hole stuff.

Children would love black holes. No longer would they complain about cleaning up their rooms. Rather they would simply throw all their junk into a black hole.

Of course, parents might have to do some policing of these black holes. You wouldn't want your children throwing homework into some cosmic hole. More importantly, you wouldn't want your child running around in such a hole without an army of spotlights.

Now dirty laundry is another matter. Throwing it into some black hole makes sense, particularly if the hole comes with a washer and dryer.

Astronomers now believe that black holes are as common in outer space as Capt. Kirk clones. They apparently are everywhere. It's just that you can't see them because they don't wear flashy colors.

Astronomers know that's the case because they recently found two black holes wandering in space. That was enough to warrant the attention of reporters, who love lost-and-found stories, particularly if it involves outer space and illegal aliens.

The black holes were discovered when all those toys in space disappeared. Astronomers had expected to see toys and dirty laundry cluttering the galaxies. When that didn't occur, they knew it was the work of those gravity-gobbling black holes.

Personally, it seems a waste to have all these black holes wandering around in space when they could be put to so much better use on Earth.

Imagine being able to keep track of all our shoes? No longer would we have to rummage around in the mornings searching for our children's shoes. We could just grab them out of the black hole.

Of course, there is a slight technical problem that we still need to work out. Black holes are so massive that their gravitational force prevents even the escape of light.

This makes them black and invisible. But if society can invent something as powerful as Microsoft, certainly it could find a way to harness these holes and keep us all from losing our grocery lists.

We wouldn't have to worry about losing our money or our minds. They'd be secure in those block holes.

But if man's really going to make use of such things, he needs a remote control. If it can't be controlled by a push of a button, it's not likely to be used.

But even black holes probably aren't tough enough to stand up to all those party-happy Barbie dolls in our home. It's hard to imagine Barbie and her girlfriends sitting still, even in a black hole.

Perhaps that's just as well. Ken would be heartbroken if all his female friends just disappeared into a black hole and we had to call in professional astronomers to find them.

There's also the difficulty of keeping black holes in their place. Holes just can't be allowed to wander around freely.

They need to be tied down or kept on a leash. This, of course, would infuriate the born-free crowd. But it won't stop progress. Sooner or later, even black holes will want to settle down.

Mark Bliss is a staff writer with the Southeast Missourian.