MARK MY WORD: DON'T BRUSH OFF THIS LAWSUIT: TOOTHBRUSHES NEED WARNING LABELS

Gun manufacturers and tobacco companies aren't the only targets of lawsuits these days. Even toothbrushes are being brushed back by litigation.

A suburban Chicago man recently filed a class-action lawsuit alleging that the daily ritual of brushing teeth left him with toothbrush abrasion, a condition that his lawyer says leads to receding gums and sensitive teeth.

The suit contends that toothbrush manufacturers and the American Dental Association are to blame for not providing warning labels and instructions on proper brushing. I'm surprised that plaintiff Mark Trimarco didn't sue the tooth fairy too. The lawsuit seeks unspecified damages on behalf of anyone who has experienced toothbrush abrasion and asks for warnings and instructions.

I can see the warning label now: "Improper use of toothbrush could destroy your gums and lead to serious tooth problems. Consult your physician and the appropriate federal agency before brushing your teeth."

Perhaps people should have to get licenses to brush their teeth. Naturally, they would have to first undergo a background check to be sure they weren't hockey players or criminally insane. They also would have to take 12 hours of training on how to properly brush their teeth.

Of course, the real controversy would be whether Americans should be allowed to carry concealed toothbrushes. After all, anything that causes abrasions certainly could be considered an assault weapon. Next thing you know, people will have to start checking their toothbrushes at the door, unless they are staying overnight at grandma's or in a hotel.

Trimarco's lawyer, Michael Applebaum, is also a doctor. Clearly, he figures the best way to fight toothbrush abrasion is to go to court. Perhaps, he reasons, it's better to brush up on the law than one's teeth.

And what about toothpaste manufacturers? Shouldn't they be liable for something?

A few weeks ago, our youngest daughter, Bailey, ended up getting toothpaste all over the bathroom walls and counter. Naturally, parents need to be warned about the possibility of such toothpaste disasters. At the very least, there should be warning labels saying that toothpaste can be messy and shouldn't be used by 3-year-olds or anyone who hasn't first consulted a lawyer.

In our home, we've had to deal with diaper rash and assorted other childhood disasters. Those bottles of milk, juice and soda don't come with warning labels. Yet, Becca and Bailey have spilled plenty of drinks in our home over the years.

We've never been compensated for all the spills and the countless rolls of paper towels that have been required to clean them up. But with a class-action suit, parents could recoup their loses or at least put aside some cash for more paper towels.

Of course, even the government probably can't require babies to come with warning labels about everything from childhood ear infections to lost sleep for parents.

Naturally, parenting has its good points too. You don't need a class-action suit to get hugs from your kids, although Mr. Applebaum likely wouldn't recommend wrestling on the living room floor for fear that you could suffer some sort of abrasions.

In fact, the toothbrush lawsuit raises all sorts of fears about abrasions. Before long, charities could be asking us for money to fund badly needed research to fight toothbrush abrasion. Hollywood actors and actresses would soon be sporting toothbrush pins at Academy Award ceremonies in an effort to make a statement about the dreaded disease.

Without a doubt, a federal program would be needed to tackle the teeth-torturing problem. And to think, all of this wouldn't have been possible without people like Trimarco and Applebaum, who won't be easily brushed off.

But one urgent question still remains to be answered. Do they floss?

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.