MARK MY WORD: BEWARE OF THE DASTARDLY DIAPER SPIES

There's nothing worse than a dastardly diaper spy. Imagine trying to sneak out of a diaper factory with the secrets of absorbent layers and velcro tabs.

A Bernie man was arrested last week for trying to sell Procter & Gamble's dandy diaper technology to a competing firm.

The FBI had to get involved in this case. Nothing escapes the FBI when you're on the Most Wanted Diaper Bandits' List.

Why, it's practically treason to steal the manufacturing secrets of disposable diapers. That's why it is more difficult to get into a diaper plant than Hillary Clinton's file cabinet.

Personally, I welcome diaper spies. They can visit my house anytime, particularly if they're willing to change my baby's diapers.

I've never really thought much about how they're made. They all seem pretty much the same to me. I just know we're always buying more diapers.

Fashion isn't important here. Parents don't care how they're made, just as long as they don't let any toxic waste leak through.

There's been a lot of improvement in the basic baby garment over the years, but one basic problem remains: You still have to change diapers by hand.

In our remote-control age, you would think someone would have invented the diaper changing machine by now.

Surprisingly, the Environmental Protection Agency hasn't put the diaper pail on the Superfund Cleanup list.

Actually, if the EPA ever gets into the act, we probably would have to have certified diaper changing areas in our homes.

Gone would be the days when we could change the baby's diaper on the living room rug or in the back seat of a car without a permit.

In the old days, men tended to the flocks in the field so they didn't have to change a single diaper.

Modern man isn't tending the flock, so he has time to change diapers.

Aside from diaper changing, everything else is on computers these days.

Joni and I recently purchased a new home computer and already our 3-year-old maneuvers the mouse like a pro.

Rebecca has her own children's encyclopedia. No dog-eared, chocolate-stained pages here. Her encyclopedia stares out at you from the computer screen, a colorful tree house of knowledge.

Kids accept all this technology more readily than brushing their teeth.

It's harder for me. When I grew up, Etch-A-Sketch was high tech.

Now you can paint a whole picture with a click of the mouse.

Becca's computer encyclopedia covers a wealth of information.

But there's no mention of diapers. No doubt, that's privileged information.

Of course, some day diaper discourse may be on the Internet. It's enough to make even the FBI go numb.

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.