MARK MY WORD: BATTLE OF THE SEXES: IS YOUR BRAIN LIKE A SWISS ARMY KNIFE?

Don't look now, but scientists have concluded that women's brains are like Swiss Army knives while men's operate with only one blade.

As it turns out, women have larger computer cables in their heads, which allows them to cook dinner and talk on the phone at the same time.

Some experts say women's intuition is nothing more than whole-brain processing. So it turns out that men have been saddled with inferior software. Where's Microsoft when you need them?

"Don't ask me to do two things at once," I told my wife, Joni, after reading the latest scientific study. "It's just not in my head to watch both our children at the same time."

Unfortunately, Joni wasn't buying such talk. Of course, she hadn't read the weekend news magazine article that sliced open our brains.

I'm sure Swiss Army knives are great, but most men would rather have a machete. You never know when you might be stuck in a jungle or need to hack your way out of the utility room.

Some experts say all brains start out inherently female. I don't buy that. I didn't like Barbie dolls when I was a boy. My sister could have cared less about my orange road grader even though it was perfect for rearranging the gravel in our driveway.

Personally, I'm convinced there are major differences between men's and women's brains. Men's brains function best when our fingers are on the remote control, there's a cold beverage in our hand and there's a football or basketball game on the tube.

Women excel at everything else. They just don't have the remote-control reflexes of men. They can turn the TV on without using the remote control and don't understand why men will spend hours looking for the little black box just so they can turn on the TV set.

Women haven't a clue why men hate to ask directions. What they don't understand is that we don't want to admit we're lost. Ancient man was the same way. He didn't stop at the local gas station to ask directions to the nearest wooly mammoth. Actually, Joni has a far better internal compass than I do on the open road or even on life's side streets.

The experts suggest women should be better at finding the elusive socks than men. But that isn't true in our home. I regularly am called upon to track down the children's socks, Joni's shoes and just about anything else that gets misplaced.

One study found that men made it through a maze faster than women, but women could describe the maze in far more detail. That doesn't surprise me. Obviously, the men wanted to get back to the ball game. The women, no doubt, stopped to shop.

As a dad, I've noticed that my daughters don't think like I do. Their idea of cleaning up their room is to push everything under the bed. They don't see anything wrong with leaving a trail of food throughout the house. Six-year-old Becca loves to cut pieces of paper into smaller scraps of paper that end up scattered all over the carpet. Bailey, who just turned 3, can do messy things with colored markers and lipstick.

I'm trying to teach them how to hunt down those elusive socks, but so far I've had little success.

Still, it's nice to know that one day they'll have brains like Swiss Army knives. But right now, I'd just as soon they stay away from sharp knives. After all, even dads need a fighting chance.

Now, if only we could upgrade that software.

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.