MARK MY WORD: ARE YOU AN INSENSITIVE SUPER BOWL FAN?

This Sunday is Super Bowl Sunday, a day in which Americans -- mostly males -- gulp beer, eat peanuts and stare for hours at The Televised Game.

Not only do you have to watch the game, you have to view the pregame and post-game shows as well.

You also have to catch the commercials, which are often better than the game and cost more than the national debt.

Most women I know, and even some men, couldn't care less about the Super Bowl.

Nobody can remember which Super Bowl this is. That's because they list them by Roman numerals, which aren't included on any calculator I've ever seen.

At any rate, millions of football-crazed fans will turn into the ultimate couch potatoes Sunday. They will ignore their wives, girlfriends, children, dogs, cats and even the pet goldfish in order to spend the day watching a bunch of grown men grunting and tackling all over the field.

According to FTD, the flower people, apologies just won't do.

Millions of neglected spouses and partners want some payback for being treated like furniture for a day.

A recent FTD survey found that 64 percent of the neglected people want to be treated to dinner and flowers. Two percent think a nice gift is in order, and they don't mean a souvenir Super Bowl mug.

In between arranging flowers, FTD surveyed 1,000 Americans to see how they plan to deal with The Big Game.

Less than half of the respondents plan to watch the game with their spouse or girlfriend or boyfriend.

One-third of all men and 24 percent of the women would choose free Super Bowl tickets over a romantic getaway.

The survey found that plenty of Americans want to send flowers to Joe Montana. He isn't playing in the Super Bowl, but he is a quarterback and he might be free for dinner.

FTD kicked off its weeklong "Sensitivity Hotline" Sunday to help Americans cope with the football mania. For those who need it, the number is 1-800-524-4646.

I called the number and listened to a recorded message from former-NFL-player-turned-flower-salesman Merlin Olsen.

"So you admit you are less than a perfect mate on game day," Mr. Sensitivity says.

Olsen then offers his top five plays for Super Bowl sensitivity.

-- Serve your partner breakfast in bed. Of course, if you don't cook, this is a problem. My advice: Sleep late and then order pizza.

-- Do chores or run errands before the game. Reading the newspaper or going to the store for a couple of six-packs doesn't count.

-- Have flowers delivered to your suffering partner before the game. A cactus doesn't count.

-- Designate the day before the game as Super Saturday and do something special together. Personally, I'd suggest shopping. After all, you have to stock up on Super Bowl party supplies.

-- Volunteer to coach your partner on the finer points of football. To me, this is a bad idea. Those who don't like football couldn't care less about the finer points of clipping, unless it comes with a manicure.

If all else fails, I'd advise a shopping trip to the mall for non-football fans. Your Super-Bowl-junkie partner won't miss you and won't dare ask you how much money you spent. Now that's something to cheer about.

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.