LOCAL ANGLES: WARNING: UNPLUG THE KID AND THE HAIR DRYER

As consumers, we are constantly being warned.

Warning labels are everywhere. Toy manufacturers are particularly fond of such labels.

My daughter Rebecca has a blue, Little Tikes van that carries this warning:

"Ride-on toys should not be used on hills, thoroughfares, steps or any type of incline. To prevent injury, shoes should be worn at all times. Please remember, only one rider at a time."

It doesn't say anything about land mines, but I would imagine that's out of the question too.

Rebecca's Playskool Ride Around Train comes with 14 feet of colorful track, a battery operated locomotive with bell and whistle sounds, and -- of course -- the obligatory warning label.

"Parental supervision required," it starts out. Translation: Parents, this won't just occupy the kid's time, it'll occupy your time as well.

"Warning: This ride-on toy is not to be used near swimming pools, on or near hills, roadways, or stairways. Shoes must be worn at all times when riding this toy. Designed for only one rider at a time."

These warning writers obviously were never kids. Hills, roadways and stairs are a kid's kind of terrain.

The Playskool warning includes swimming pools. Two-year-old Rebecca has a wading pool, but frankly I don't think there's any danger of her drowning her toy van.

These toy companies must have some connection with the shoe lobby. Why else would they advise kids to wear shoes while riding these toys?

Don't they know that shoes are the last thing children want to wear? Besides, what about other clothing?

I guess it's fine for me to let Rebecca ride naked on her train, just as long as she's wearing shoes.

And what child's going to adhere to the "only-one-rider-at-a-time" clause? Does this apply only to living riders, or does it include the dolls that Rebecca carries along on her van and train trips?

My wife Joni recently bought a Thomas The Tank Engine Bedside Lamp for Rebecca's room.

Naturally, the lamp box carried a warning. "This is an electric lamp -- not a toy.

"To avoid the risk of fire, burns, personal injury and electric shock, it should not be played with or placed where small children can reach it."

I suppose the best thing to do is hang it from the ceiling, but there's probably some warning against that too.

Electrical appliances always carry warning labels, but nothing compares to the huge warning affixed to the cord of our hair dryer.

"Unplug it," the label advises in red letters. Then in black letters it states: "Do Not Remove This Tag!"

This isn't Shakespeare, but it gets your attention. Reading the label gives you something to do while you're singeing your hair.

But unplugging it, seems to me, to be bad advice. If the hair dryer is not plugged in, it'll take forever to dry your hair.

The label advises consumers to "warn children of the risk of death by electric shock!" There's obviously no quota on exclamation marks with this warning author.

In case, you live in Miami and don't read English, the warning includes a picture of a bathtub with a hair dryer hovering over it like some UFO, and a red line extending diagonally across the scene.

On the reverse side of the label, there's a red-lettered warning -- "Keep Away From Water."

So, what about wet hair?

The label also includes some suggestions on how to reduce the risk of death by electric shock.

-- Always unplug it after use. I thought that's what the switch was for.

-- Do not place or store where dryer can fall or be pulled into tub, toilet or sink. In other words, don't dry your hair in the bathroom.

-- Do not use while bathing (unless you've cleared it with Dr. Jack Kevorkian).

-- If the dryer falls into water, unplug immediately, do not reach into water. The Dr. Kevorkian exception applies here also.

Of course, you could avoid having to even read the label if you just don't plug it in.

A child may be the only thing that doesn't come with a warning label. Maybe he should. When the baby's born, a warning label could be surgically attached.

It would read: Warning! This bundle of joy can also cry a lot and keep you up late at night. Diapers not included.

At the toddler stage, a warning sticker would be added advising parents to put shoes on their children and avoid hills, roadways, stairs, swimming pools, bathtubs and hair dryers.

And whenever possible, children should be unplugged.

Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.