LOCAL ANGLES: THE JOYS OF GRAPES AND BOOMERANG BABY SALAD

Newspapers get all kinds of press releases, even ones from the California Table Grape Commission.

Writing press releases is not a job for just anybody. It takes skill to let all those words ripen on the page.

The other day we received a whole packet of news releases about table grapes.

Enclosed was a letter to the food editor, stating that "the first harvest of Perlette Seedless grapes will kick off the new season for fresh California table grapes." But when are the playoffs?

"The entire season will last through February of 1995 and will feature 11 major varieties," the letter notes. Imagine that, grapes have a longer season than the NBA.

As to the press releases, my favorite is the one entitled "They're back and they're hungry: Feeding boomerang babies."

With a headline like that, can giant, man-eating grapes be far behind?

"Oh joy. The children are back," the release starts out. "Only this time Johnny has a mustache and Margaret is sporting a B.A. He's laid-off; she's just started looking. ~`What's for dinner?' is ringing through the house again.

"Welcome to the era of boomerang babies -- members of `Generation X' and the `baby bust' decades. Some kids boomerang back home because they can't find a job, others never left, still others arrive with their own babies, spouses and baggage, both the emotional and the store-in-the-basement variety."

I've heard of the Me Generation. But how did we get to X? Did we skip all the rest of the alphabet letter generations?

This writer's probably a frustrated novelist. He or she hasn't even used the word grape once, much, I imagine, to the chagrin of the table grape commission.

The writer goes on to say that Johnny and Margaret are good kids, they're just going through a bad time. "However, that doesn't mean you have to serve them dinner every night, especially since Margaret is now a vegetarian and has decided your carnivorous habits are harmful to the Earth."

I'm beginning to like this writer, and the word grape still hasn't been mentioned.

Finally, near the end of the release, I discover that all the previous paragraphs are so much foreplay for the Boomerang Baby Salad. Grapes are mentioned here. "Fresh grapes are added for vibrant color and a crunchy, juicy texture." And here I thought they just tasted good.

Another scintillating release suggests adding elegance to summer entertaining with Piquant Grape Sauce for barbecued turkey.

"Thoughts of summer barbecuing usually equate to sizzling, fat-dripping hamburgers," it starts out. Sounds good to me, but where are the grapes?

As it turns out, we're not having hamburgers, but hold-down-the-fat, lean turkey. After it's barbecued, it's time for the grape sauce. And this just isn't any grape sauce, it's "savory grape sauce" as opposed to that disgusting sauce your Aunt Edna makes.

This is a first-class press packet. There are even color slides attached to the releases, showing those California grapes in all their glory.

Another release points out that "shoppers who can't resist popping those tempting, crunchy, juicy grapes into their mouths will have three varieties of fresh California table grapes to choose from beginning in May." Those shoppers who just stomp on those little grapes aren't welcome here.

If you read on, you learn that more boxes of fresh California grapes were shipped to market in 1993 than in any other year in history, some 65.5 million boxes. This is news you can use for breaking the ice at a tea party if nothing else.

The writer states that grapes "can dress up centerpieces, cheese-and-fruit platters and fruit baskets for friends." They also make great Halloween costumes.

"Grapes are popular for summer decorating, especially for wedding receptions and other summer parties," the release states. "Attach small clusters to place cards for an elegant touch, or drape them over wedges of cheese, use them to encircle fillets of salmon, or hang them from crystal containers of punch or champagne."

I think the writer's had a few too many grapes, not to mention cheese wedges.

Grape decorating's not for me. I prefer my grapes well ripened and chilled in a wine bottle.

~Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.