In search of a cool nickname

I have a morning ritual that can't be broken or the day is ruined.

I get up, walk into the guest room and turn on MTV Jams. It's the only kind of music that allows me to continue on to the second part of the ritual: the "Eight Minutes in the Morning" exercise routine with my secret lover, Jorge Cruise. He still hasn't bothered to return my e-mails, but we'll be together someday, his dark, mysterious eyes staring into mine as he describes his soy-and-fiber-based diet plan.

I do a warm-up march, roll out my exercise mat and torture myself for 10 to 15 minutes, because that "eight minutes" claim is total malarkey. It takes me three minutes just to get down onto the mat.

Sometimes I switch back and forth with VH1 Soul. And then, after my shower, it's time for CNN Headline News while I put on my makeup and carefully style my hair using three post-shower products and two electric implements -- all of that to look like I just got out of bed.

Anyway, between the music videos and CNN Headline Sports, here's what I've learned:

All really cool people have a well-known nickname that says something about them. It can't just be "Bubba" or "Curly," the stuff people around here get stuck with.

Think about it. In rap, Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott is the coolest of cool women, and her nickname plays into the bad-girl persona. And there's Calvin Broadus, better known to you and me as "Snoop Dogg."

In sports, you've got Karl "The Mailman" Malone, so named because he delivers on the basketball court. And consider Dale "The Intimidator" Earnhardt, who died with the coolest nickname in history.

Then there are all the mob nicknames. Although killing people certainly isn't cool, you have to admit that "The Godfather" and later "The Sopranos" made wiseguys a part of pop culture. Al "Scarface" Capone, who got the moniker for obvious reasons. There's Louis "Baby Shacks" Manocchio, whose name apparently came from his father, who was called "Shacks" because he lived with so many single women. And everyone knows about Salvatore "Sammy the Bull" Gravano.

So here's the thing: I need a cool nickname assigned to me through my personal characteristics.

There were plenty of undesirable nicknames assigned to me in high school based on my height. For any new readers out there, I am 6 feet, 3 inches tall. Do not be fooled by the mug shot that runs with this column and, when you run into me in public, say, "You look short in your picture." That mug shot is 1 inch tall. Under that criteria, everyone in the newspaper is short.

My high school nicknames included "Lightpole," "Too Tall Jones" and "Jolly Green Giant" (imagine my excitement at the introduction of "Sprout" to that frozen vegetable ad campaign, which allowed me a witty retort).

I'm looking for something a little cooler. Maybe Heidi "Amazon" Hall. That would reflect my strength and independence, but it might give the impression that I hate men, which is not at all true.

Heidi "The Storyteller" Hall would be complementary to my career but incredibly boring, so I'm nixing that.

Ooo! Ooo! How about Heidi "The Informer" Hall? Naw. Too much like someone who rats out their drug-dealing friends to the police.

I'll watch MTV Jams for more inspiration and report back when I've got something.

Heidi Hall is managing editor of the Southeast Missourian.