Folks would do fine with fake grass

A California cemetery won't bury loved ones under grass any longer. The cemetery has decided artificial turf is cheaper to maintain.

I'm sure it looks better too, although I wouldn't want tombstones to be surrounded by white yard-marker lines.

Real grass can discolor grave stones, according to the Interment Association of California.

That's a real crisis and one that our presidential candidates haven't even touched on.

As a homeowner whose front yard is grass-challenged, I've always believed there has to be a better way to have a nice yard than actually grow the real stuff.

Unless you have a green thumb, a homeowner can find himself with plenty of crab grass and assorted Mother Earth debris that can turn a lawn into a wasteland.

That's not what we want when we spend a fortunate just putting a roof over our heads.

Personally, I think it's just a matter of time until whole subdivisions are covered in artificial turf. There will be no need for sprinkler systems.

Of course, I'm not sure our nation's pets would approve of it.

Cassie, our pet pooch, likes to do her business in the back yard where there is at least some real grass.

I'm sure Cassie would tell me what she thinks, but I doubt I would understand her.

Animal experts say our pets have a lot to say even if we don't always get the message.

I do know that when Cassie barks she wants to go to the bathroom, fetch a ball or attack a garbage truck. I have yet to interpret the various barks, although my wife, Joni, thinks she's broken the Cassie code.

At any rate, I'm not sure if Cassie's habits would change if suddenly our yard was one big, green expanse of artificial turf.

And I don't know if our nation's environmental officials would approve of the carpeting of America.

It might go over in Wisconsin, where environmental officials don't approve of the real thing, at least not when it comes to egg battles.

Wisconsin's Department of Natural Resources recently said plastic eggs had to be used in re-enacting the Battle of Egg Harbor, the battle that led to the naming of this Lake Michigan town.

The Wisconsin DNR said it wouldn't allow battle re-enactors to use real eggs because it would put too much scrambled protein and organic matter into Green Bay. No one, of course, asked the fish if they wanted an omelet.

The original egg fight between the crews of two docked boats occurred in 1825, long before anyone knew that egg throwing was hazardous to the environment.

If only Cape Girardeau settlers had the foresight to throw eggs at each other on the river bank, we might have been able to celebrate it on the floodwall mural.

We have the bridge blasts, but the trouble with demolishing the old bridge is that it is hard to re-enact in future years without building a new bridge. Wisconsin officials probably would suggest using plastic bridges.

That's OK. Cape Girardeau residents can live without more bridge blasts or even egg fight re-enactments, just as long as we can roll out the carpet on the yards of our homes.

That way we could all have the potential to turn our lawns into well-manicured miniature golf courses.

Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.