Everything's complicated in the Sunshine State

One of the things I miss most about Cape Girardeau is the ease of conducting any sort of business.

For instance, I'd stop by my neighborhood drug store on the way home and pick up a couple of prescriptions. Easy as pie. A friendly cashier even told me how to pray to St. Anthony when I realized I'd left my debit card somewhere. (I'm not Catholic, but I was freaked out enough to give it a try and found the card the next morning. Coincidence? Hmmmmm.)

At my neighborhood drug store here in St. Petersburg, Fla., it's always something. Two months ago, there was a glitch with my insurance. A month ago, they were out of a generic I use. How does a drug store run out of drugs? Finally, Saturday, the alarm went off when I was trying to leave, and the cashier had to sort through my bag and compare it to the receipt in front of a store full of people. Isn't that humiliating?

You're thinking I should go somewhere else. Trust me, it would be the same story anywhere. This is the most densely populated county in Florida, and there are just too many people wanting stuff.

Take the license bureau. In Cape Girardeau, if you wait until the end of the month, there may be 20 people in line. For them, that's a total disaster.

I ran into a woman today at my insurance agent's office in downtown St. Pete. She was heading back to the license bureau to take a second crack at getting Florida title and registration for her new Mercedes. She'd already invested two hours in the process and was being told her new auto insurance company didn't take credit cards -- she'd have to go home and get her checkbook.

"In California, you can get this stuff handled right in the AAA office and pay with a credit card," she said. "What is WRONG with this state?!" It kind of surprised me that Florida is worse than California for this kind of thing. I mean, at least we elected Jeb Bush governor instead of some guy whose primary qualification was being listed on IMDB.com.

But the lady was right. There is something wrong with this state.

Florida has a lot of divisions. The rest of the state thinks Central Florida is a wasteland with DisneyWorld in the middle. Meanwhile, we don't care if Miami-Dade is annexed by Cuba and Alabama and Georgia split the Panhandle. Three very diverse groups -- Yankees, rednecks and Cubans -- make up almost the entire population. Just try to find a Florida native.

Whatever it is, it's why you won't know who got elected president on Nov. 3.

All evidence points to another 2000-like screwup, only this time involving touch-screen voting instead of butterfly ballots and hanging chads. Both parties are lining up volunteer lawyers for the slew of court action that is certain to follow poll closings. The only thing that could keep it from disintegrating into total lunacy is if one presidential candidate wins enough electoral votes that Florida isn't an issue. Then we can just fight it out down here without involving the entire nation.

Here's hoping.

Heidi Hall is a former managing editor of the Southeast Missourian who now lives in St. Petersburg, Fla.