Charting the ideal day in Cape

When my friend Mel called from Phoenix to say he'd be in Missouri over Memorial Day weekend, I faced a kind of dilemma for only the second time in my 18 years of Southeast Missouri living.

Mel has lived in major cities his entire life. New York. Miami. Now Phoenix. He doesn't like sports or nature and, indeed, spent most of the time the two of us hiked through Sedona, Ariz., asking about lunch.

How does one make this person appreciate the wonders of Cape Girardeau?

All of us from around here understand it. We sit by the Mississippi River and watch towboats churn the waters and consider the progress of our new Bill Emerson Memorial Bridge. We get mad if we have to sit through more than one change of a stoplight. We're proud of our state university and its lush green campus.

We've even got a mall, two movie theaters and a Super Wal-Mart!

Even with all that, the vast majority of my house guests here have been people with Midwestern roots. The city folks I count among my friends expect me to visit them. In fact, they would rather subsidize my visit there than to travel here.

"There's just so much more for us to do together here," they whine.

Even Mel was only coming because his company sent him to a weeklong seminar at the University of Missouri-Columbia -- less than four hours from here.

So what to do with a cosmopolitan friend in Cape Girardeau? I brainstormed with some locals and came up with some possibilities for Saturday:

9 a.m.: Traditional artery-clogging Missouri breakfast of eggs, biscuits, milk gravy, bacon, sausage, home fries and buttermilk pancakes. Orange juice on the side to quiet guilt.

10:30 a.m.: Head straight to the river and start with a look at the Missouri Wall of Fame. Explain that no, you don't believe anyone was high when they picked those day-glo colors. Point out Rush Limbaugh and get that conversation out of the way. (Yes, you know he's the highest-paid radio personality in history. No, you don't understand how he still finds material with Republicans in control of the presidency, House and Senate.)

10:45 a.m.: Drink in the majesty of the Mississippi River and the new bridge.

Noon: Traditional artery-clogging Missouri lunch of chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes with milk gravy, turnip greens soaked in bacon grease, grits, more biscuits, fried okra and fruit cobbler with ice cream. Side salad to quiet guilt.

1:30 p.m.: Travel to Cape Rock Park and point out the bronze marker if it's there this year. Drink in more majesty of the Mississippi River.

1:50 p.m.: Drive through Southeast Missouri State University and show off Academic Hall, the new dorm and then cut over to the River Campus.

2:15 p.m.: Shop 'til you drop with our downtown and west-side merchants.

6 p.m.: Traditional artery-clogging Missouri dinner of ham and beans, cornbread, more turnip greens soaked in bacon grease and Mississippi mud cake for dessert. Sliced tomatoes on the side to quiet guilt.

7:30 p.m.: Start on Cape Girardeau nightlife. Take in a live band or a comedy show. Shoot some pool. Drink some microbrews. Go to a movie. Check out a gallery show, if there is one.

11 p.m.: Go to bed.

What Mel and I actually did was sit around and watch "We Are the 80's" on VH1 all afternoon and then get schnockered at Buckner's with a bunch of friends.

But I think Mel appreciated Cape Girardeau anyway.

Heidi Hall is managing editor of the Southeast Missourian.