CAROLINE'S CORNER: ALL IN THE DAY OF A HOUSEWIFE

Imagine a John Grisham novel. He has written yet another best seller, apparently based on a case he heard about in Southeast Missouri.

He changes the sex of the accused, embellishes the story a little, and movie makers begin clamoring for movie rights. Girsham sells the rights for $10 million and is allowed to choose the actors for his characters. He chooses Meryl Streep as the housewife. Tommy Lee Jones will play her attorney, and Steve Martin will be the judge.

We all rush to the theater, and the plot unfolds.

Early one morning, Streep awakes and finds that she has a scratchy sore throat. Her eyes are weepy and her nose is running. She is feeling rather sickly, but her husband has gone to work and she must drive the children to school.

She returns home to take a nap and try to shake the bug. As the day progresses, her symptoms persist. Over a four-hour period, she drinks three beers (lite of course). As her fits of sneezing increase, she goes to the bathroom medicine cabinet and finds some medicine for "sneezing, itchy, watery eyes, nasal congestion and the pain of a cold or the flu."

She pops a few pills during the day and takes another nap.

At 3 p.m., she jumps into her van and drives to both the elementary and junior high schools to collect her brood.

On the way home, a policeman notices that she is driving left of center. He stops her and forces her to take a Breathalyzer, which proves she is legally drunk. Streep is charged with DWI, driving left of center and endangering the life of her children.

She is taken to jail, posts bond, and a neighbor is called to take her children home.

Streep retains Jones as attorney and after a trial that lasts several hours, is acquitted of all charges. Jones, with his engaging courtroom tactics, convinces Judge Martin that a line is actually relative and where the line was to Streep might not be where the line was to another driver.

He also convinces the judge that the "sneezy itchy" medicine taken by Streep released gas containing alcohol and that was read by the Breathalyzer, instead of her actual alcohol-blood level.

At this point, Breathalyzers are declared undependable. If Tommy Lee Jones can get Meryl Streep off the hook, every Quenton Q. Attorney can get every John or Jane Doe off the hook with similar tactics.

After all, during certain seasons, cold medicines are quite in vogue.

In walks Jane Fonda, who has tired of playing the part of wife to Ted Turner and is now playing the part of administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency.

"Now what in the world are we going to do with a million used, ineffective Breathalyzers?" she asks. "Are they toxic waste? We have enough work trying to get rid of used motor oil and tires and now we must set national standards for the disposal of Breathalyzers."

As Fonda's pondering image fades, the credits start to roll and Streep's name is seen being added back to a list of possible candidates for governor.

We all leave the theater contemplating the same question. If we had 12 lite beers and two antihistamine tablets during the movie and on the way home hit a brick wall and died instantly, would Judge Martin not consider us legally dead since he wouldn't consider us legally drunk?