Candidates need a little furry love

George Bush is in trouble.

His Democratic opponent, Sen. John Kerry, almost certainly has locked up the support of the cute-and-cuddly crowd now that his heroics with a hamster have been celebrated at last week's Democratic convention.

It seems that the Massachusetts senator once saved his daughter's pet hamster, Licorice, from drowning. Kerry reportedly administered CPR to save the family pet.

Bush has a dog, but he can't compete with the hamster story.

Who hates hamsters?

It's a safe pet for a presidential candidate. Dogs and cats garner plenty of support from pet owners. But there are Americans who don't like man's best friend or those frisky felines.

Some people think dogs bark too much. As for cats, some people are allergic to them.

Candidates who make too much of their dogs or cats risk alienating landlords and non-pet owners.

Our daughter, Bailey, now has two hermit crabs. But then at age 8, she's not running for president.

She told me the other day she might run for president some day. I don't want to discourage her, but if she's going to run she might need a hamster that she can some day save from drowning.

Saving a hermit crab from being crushed by an elephant doesn't have the same political appeal except, of course, to the crab. Unfortunately, hermit crabs aren't allowed to vote. Human crabs are allowed to vote, but seldom do.

To most American voters, there's nothing cuddly about a crab.

Of course, it's different when you're a grade-schooler. Bailey thinks the crabs are wonderful pets. For one thing, she only has to feed them every three days. And they don't jump up on you.

The crabs drink bottled water. The pet store advised us to avoid tap water. It's scary to think that city water, with all its chemicals, is bad for hermit crabs but good for people.

President Clinton wooed the soccer moms, but it's clear Kerry is going after the warm-and-fuzzy crowd. In a close election, it could make a difference.

Regardless of party affiliation, presidential candidates are wise to identify themselves with furry animals rather than snakes and lizards. After all, we don't elect our president on Halloween. Still, some Americans view presidential politics as a horror story.

If you really want to be president, my advice is to get a pet rock.

No one can be opposed to a rock. Plus, as a presidential candidate, you're likely to attract the independent voters who don't see themselves as part of the cuddly crowd but also don't want to be viewed as pet haters.

Of course, it might be hard to come up with a lovable story about saving your pet rock. Giving it CPR might interest professional counselors, but most Americans probably would rather you polished it.

Bailey likes rocks. She used to collect them on the school playground.

Her grandma gave her a number of polished stones, along with a small boulder. The boulder used to be stored in our living room. But when we remodeled, we moved the stone outside.

Don't worry. We're keeping our giant pet rock just in case Bailey ever runs for president.

Mark Bliss is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.