NEWTON'S LAW: THE FINE POINTS OF FLU SEASON EXPLORED IN NINE OBSERVATIONS

In the Southeast Missourian city room recently, there was launched (and prolonged almost beyond the point of human endurance) a rather giddy discussion about the difference between the flu and "flu-like symptoms."

The gist of this lively interchange was that there was some clinical difference, and though agreement was fairly widespread this was the case, we continued to unreasonably gnaw on the question like dogs on a bone.

The fine point to emerge from this is that what is known as flu isn't necessarily the real thing, which is to say that it isn't the type of influenza that makes the rounds of America each "flu season," usually modified with the name of a Chinese city.

This is what the Centers for Disease Control count as flu.

And just because you have bodily fluids escaping unaccustomed places doesn't mean you have a bona-fide case; see, you don't really have the flu until a bureaucrat says you do. Until then, what you have are merely "flu-like symptoms," without the benefit of an exotic adjective.

When this matter was beaten to death and beyond, it was still my contention that to the person with "flu-like symptoms," it matters little whether the illness originated in Shanghai or has the sanction of someone in an Atlanta medical laboratory. You only know that you're sick.

As an aside, let me say that I am not an optimistic man. If I stumble across a silver lining in any troublesome event, I try to recognize it ... but I don't go out looking.

However, when misfortune befalls me, I don't necessarily dwell on it; I can, instead, turn it into column material, and the misery (converted neatly into a tool for personal aggrandizement) subsides.

Without getting too personal about my health or descriptive in this regard, let me suggest to you nine things I know about the flu (or maybe just "flu-like symptoms").

1. A cracker is the chateaubriand of flu sufferers. At a time when nothing else sounds appetizing, you can roll a cracker around on your tongue and be exhilarated by its blandness.

2. If people eat chicken soup when they're sick, what do veterinarians suggest for chickens?

3. Sleep is the best thing for the flu. If you sleep, you can't hear yourself moan.

4. Having the flu is one of the few times in most lives when people open new vistas of understanding about their home's plumbing fixtures.

5. Had Kris Kristofferson been less healthy, his famous lyrics could have been, "Flu is just another word for nothing left to lose."

6. You know you've had the flu when standing upright seems like a big deal.

7. During the times in my life when I've had an upset stomach, I drank Sprite. Is that name supposed to make me feel better?

8. Having the flu entices you to shake hands with people you don't like.

9. What can be said of an anatomical thermostat that leaves your forehead hot and your hands cold? This: It's screwed up, get some rest.

There you go: I feel better already.

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Working at a newspaper often puts you in touch with new experiences. Two of our colleagues here have encountered something new that has nothing to do with their professional existence.

Joni Adams Bliss and Mark Bliss became parents Tuesday of a daugh~ter, Rebecca Minette. After years of sharing busy lives with only one another, they are now three. Joni and Mark are due the abundant satisfactions and occasional frustrations of parenthood.

A blessing has already been bestowed on them, but I wish them good luck all the same.