My legal career path, it seems, has taken an abrupt turn

Let's just say I'm always the last one to know any of the good stuff.

As soon as last week's column was printed, I learned some vital information that might interest you.

If you didn't read last week's column -- is that possible? -- it was all about how I'm going to take John Grisham to court for using my childhood in his book, "A Painted House," without consulting me or asking my permission.

Anyone who has read the book and knows anything about me is painfully aware that Luke, the boy in the book, is not some made-up character or some literary representation of a young Grisham. That kid has Kelo Valley written all over him.

So when I was writing last week's column, I really felt like I had a convincing case against Grisham.

Then I got an e-mail from Bud Hunt, publisher of the Daily Dunklin Democrat in Kennett, Mo.

"Maybe you could just add your suit to the one a fellow in Paragould has already filed against him and his publisher for stealing the book."

What?

Now somebody is stealing my lawsuit?

What's going on here?

Sure enough, according to Bud, a fellow by the name of William Kelley is claiming he wrote his own memoirs and that someone at Arkansas State University gave Grisham a copy of Kelley's manuscript -- and the next thing you know, "A Painted House" is on the best-seller list.

Kelley is way ahead of me. I haven't written my memoirs for two good reasons:

A. Every time I think about writing a book about my fascinating life, I manage to concoct enough material for about one and a half decent chapters. I don't know many best-sellers with less than two chapters.

B. My memory isn't what it used to be.

Which is why reading Grisham's book was such a shock. There it was: my entire life flashing before my eyes, even the parts I'd forgotten.

I'll say this for Grisham: Once he had all the details about my life, he was able to manufacture enough chapters for a whole book.

I'm in a quandary now.

First off, there are going to be a lot of people who think I knew about William Kelley all along and stole the idea for suing Grisham from him.

Let me assure you I had never heard of Kelley or his lawsuit until Bud told me.

I'm also in something of a bind over how to proceed, legally speaking.

Should I go ahead and file my lawsuit against Grisham and hope the jury thinks I have a better case than Kelley?

Or should I wait to see what happens with Kelley's lawsuit? Because the plain fact is if Kelley wins, then what I really need to do is sue Kelley for stealing my childhood memories. Right?

Here's the deal. We all know Grisham is a lawyer in real life. That's an advantage for him right there. I suppose he went to a certified law school and everything. What I know about the law I learned from reruns of "Perry Mason" and "Law and Order" plus paying careful attention to the finer points of Judge Judy's rulings.

Guess what this Kelley fellow does for a living.

He's a lawyer.

I'm beginning to smell a conspiracy here.

It looks like a bunch of lawyers -- two that I know of so far -- have banded together to make a lot of money at my expense.

A lot of you, learning about my situation, have advised me not to take on Grisham -- and now Kelley -- on my own and without good legal representation.

I've been reluctant to seek an attorney. Maybe I'm paranoid, but can I really trust a lawyer to handle my case? Look what these two lawyers have already done. How do I know they haven't been in cahoots all along, just waiting for me to file my lawsuit so they could drown me in a sea of motions and subpoenas and interrogatories?

I can see it now. This fellow from Kelo Valley with a best-selling childhood -- that would be me -- gets embroiled in the trial of the century where two lawyers from Arkansas peel off every layer of privacy I ever had and throw enough Latin at me to gag a quid pro quo.

The next thing you know, I'd be strolling through my favorite bookstore where they have a special display of the nation's new No. 1 best-selling novel by John Grisham as told to William Kelley called "A Painted Barn."

No, thanks. I don't need that.

R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.