Mother's relationship with father can have influence on children

Dear Dr. Dobson: My wife works hard to teach my sons to respect me as their father, and that makes my job with them easier. Even when she is upset with me, she never lets the children know about it. Don't you think that is generous of her?

Dear Reader: She's not only generous -- she's a wise woman, too. Mothers can help bond the generations together or they can drive a wedge between them. This concept was expressed beautifully in a book titled "Fathers and Sons" by Lewis Yablonsky. The author observed that mothers are the primary interpreters of fathers' personality, character and integrity to their sons. In other words, the way boys see their fathers is largely a product of the things their mothers have said and the way they feel about their husbands. In Yablonsky's case, his mother destroyed the respect he might have had for his father. This is what he wrote:

"I vividly recall sitting at the dinner table with my two brothers and father and mother and cringing at my mother's attacks on my father. 'Look at him,' she would say in Yiddish. 'His shoulders are bent down, he's a failure. He doesn't have the courage to get a better job or make more money. He's a beaten man.' He would keep his eyes pointed toward his place and never answer her. She never extolled his virtues or persistence or the fact that he worked so hard. Instead she constantly focused on the negative and created an image for his three sons of a man without fight, crushed by a world over which he had no control. ... His not fighting back against her constant criticism had the effect of confirming its validity to her sons."

My overall research clearly supports that the mother is the basic filter and has enormous significance in the father-son relationship. Though Yablonsky did not say so, it is also true that a father can do great damage to his wife's relationship with their children. Early on I found that when I was irritated with my wife for some reason, my attitude was instantly picked up by our son and daughter. They seemed to feel, "If Dad can argue with Mom, then we can too." It became clear to me just how important it was for me to express my love and admiration for Shirley.

However, I could never do that job of building respect for my wife as well as she did for me! She made me a king in my own home. If our son and daughter believed half of what she told them about me, I would have been a fortunate man. The close relationship I enjoy with my children today is largely a product of my wife's great love for me and the way she "interpreted" me to our children. I will always be grateful for her for doing that!

Dear Dr. Dobson: Having a child diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder can paint a pretty bleak picture. Is there anything good you can tell us?

Dear Reader: There are some advantages to having Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. In a sense, even the word "disorder" is misleading because the syndrome has many positive features. As Time reported, ADHD adults "see themselves as creative; their impulsiveness can be viewed as spontaneity; hyperactivity gives them enormous energy and drive; even their distractibility has the virtue of making them alert to changes in the environment. Children with ADHD are wild, funny, and effervescent. They have lots of life." Let's not forget, also, that ADHD can be treated successfully in many cases.

Send your questions to Dr. James Dobson, c/o Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 444, Colorado Springs, Colo. 80903. Dobson is the chairman of the board for Focus on the Family.