MISSOURI WATCH: PRE-FILED BILLS BRING THE CUSTOMARY HOLIDAY CHEER

'Tis the season for ... . You thought I was going to say Christmas shopping and holiday festivities, didn't you? Well, in the great world of Missouri politics, shopping and festivities have their place, but right now, this is the time of the year for the "Pre-Files."

Decked out in their best clothes and bearing brightly wrapped briefcases filled with all kinds of goodies, Missouri legislators climb into their pickups and head for the North Pole of Politics: The City of Jefferson. With briefcases in hand, these jolly little political elves scamper about the Capitol, dispensing gifts to Senate and House clerks alike.

As always, the clerks are excited as they unwrap the gifts that have been delivered to their desks, for inside the colorful wrappings are bills which are being offered by our political Santas when, lo, they convene in January. As these gifts are unwrapped, everyone excitedly gathers around to watch.

To help readers get into this holiday spirit that has long been a tradition in our state Capitol, I'll-give you an insider's view of some of the wonderful statutory gifts being offered this shopping season. Here's just a sample of the creative presents that won't be delivered to one and all:

House Bill 13: There is hereby established the office of Permanent Speaker of the House of Representatives, to be filled by anyone who has served a minimum of 15 years as the elected Speaker. This position shall carry all the powers normally accorded to the elected Speaker, including suitable offices in the Capitol, with an annual salary of $100,000. The Permanent Speaker shall hold office for a term not to exceed 100 years, and should a resignation occur, said office shall be filled by a relative. Upon enactment, this statute shall be designated The Bob Griffin Act.

House Bill 14: Whoever shall occupy the office of Majority Floor Leader of the Missouri House of Representatives shall be entitled full emoluments including use of a luxury Lincoln sedan for both official and unofficial duties. Said automobile shall be operated by a full-time female employee of the state, whose principal duties shall consist of driving the MFL hither and yon, with all operating and maintenance expenses to be paid from the state General Revenue Fund. Upon enactment, this statute shall be designated The Bob Ward Act.

House Bill 15: This statute revises various sections of the Missouri Criminal Code and hereby legally recognizes as a valid defense against charges of operating a motor vehicle under the influence of alcohol the newly created Phlegm Defense. This statute recognizes a newly discovered break through by internationally known medical researchers at the University of Albania, who have found evidence that Sinus Infection is the leading cause of traffic accidents. Upon enactment, this statute shall be designated The Mark Richardson Act.

Senate Bill 667: There is hereby established a Missouri State Loan Fund, which is created to meet the .financial needs of state employees who enjoy buying clothes, jewelry and fast cars. This fund is hereby established with an appropriation of $667,000, and when this amount has been exhausted, a similar appropriation shall be approved to replenish said account. Any state employee shall be eligible for loans, although special consideration shall be given administrative assistants within the University of Missouri at Columbia. Repayment of loans will be at the rate of $50 per month , even if the amount is not fully repaid until the year 2973 A.D. Upon enactment, this statute shall be designated The Christy Tutin Act.

Senate Bill 3-8: This statute revises rules and regulations of the Missouri State Merit System, specifically Section XIII, Paragraph 78, dealing with employment of athletic department personnel at institutions of higher learning. This measure prohibits the dismissal of any university official who has been designated Head Football Coach on any grounds relating to the win-loss record of said official. Nor shall such post be vacated as a result of boorish or embarrassing behavior by any occupant of said office. Henceforth, said position shall only be filled from applicants whose teams have lost more games than they have won, thereby perpetuating a long-standing tradition in our state. This statute shall be known as The Larry Smith Memorial Act.

Concurrent Resolution No. 000: Any Missourian who has served on the state highway commission and as a university curator shall be exempt from all ethics rules and reports. This resolution will be designated The Woody Cozad Act.

And they said the 1996 legislative session would be frivolous and unproductive.

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of the Missouri News and Editorial Service.