Many moms and dads worry they will fail their children

Dear Dr. Dobson: I worry so much about my children and wonder if I'm raising them wisely. Every few days my husband and I encounter a problem we don't know how to handle. Is it common for parents to feel this way?

Dear Reader: Yes, it has never been easy to raise healthy and productive children. After all, babies come into the world with no instructions, and you pretty much have to assemble them on your own. They are also maddeningly complex, and there are no guaranteed formulas that work in every instance. And finally, the techniques that succeed magnificently with one child can fail bewilderingly with another.

This difficulty in raising children is a recurring theme in the letters we receive at Focus on the Family. We have heard it so often, in fact, that we decided to conduct a poll to ascertain the common frustrations of parenting. The answers received from more than 1,000 mothers and fathers were revealing. Some responded with humor, especially those who were raising toddlers. They told the most delightful stories about sticky telephones, wet toilet seats and knotted shoestrings. Their experiences reminded me of the days when Shirley and I were chasing ambitious preschoolers.

Tell me why it is that a toddler never throws up in the bathroom? Never! To do so would violate some great unwritten law of the universe. It is even more difficult to understand why he or she will gag violently at the sight of a perfectly wonderful breakfast of oatmeal, eggs, bacon and orange juice -- and then go play in the toilet. I have no idea what makes a child do that. I only know that it drives a mother crazy!

Unfortunately, the majority of those who responded to our questionnaire did not share funny stories about cute children. Many of them were experiencing considerable frustration in their parenting responsibilities and were troubled by their own inadequacies as mothers and fathers!

Their answers, including these actual responses, revealed the great self-doubt that is prevalent among parents today:

• "I don't know how to cope with my children's problems"
• "I've lost confidence in my ability to parent"
• "I've failed my children"
• "I'm not the example I should be"
• "Seeing my own bad habits and character traits in my children"

Isn't it incredible to observe just how tentative we have become about this task of raising children? Parenting is hardly a new technology, yet we've become increasingly nervous about bringing up the baby. It is a sign of the times.

Dear Dr. Dobson: How should a person respond to someone who is in denial? I have a good friend whose wife is cheating on him, but he chooses not to see it. Should I make him face reality?

Dear Reader: There is no blanket answer to that question, in view of all the thousands of specific situations to which it could be applied. There are times when denial is the only link to sanity or stability, and it must be preserved. On other occasions, to break the bubble of illusion can be a loving thing. Either way, it is risky to awaken a dreamer. If the need for denial is intense, the individual will often lash out at the one who threatens its validity.

Send your questions to Dr. James Dobson, c/o Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 444, Colorado Springs, Colo. 80903. Dobson is the chairman of the board for Focus on the Family.