IS THE TRADITIONAL FAMILY DEAD? SOME WOULD SAY "YES, GOOD RIDDANCE"

Dr. Bill Terry is a retired urologist. He and his wife live in Cape Girardeau.

Today all Americans are aware of the volumes of newsprint, statistics and dialogue documenting disintegration of the American family. I applaud this current national debate. It is long overdue.

In my short lifetime, it is hard to believe the family has become such a national disaster. Is the traditional family really "dead" and "on the way out?" There is a minority of vocal "visionaries" within our society who would respond to that with a resounding "yes" and "good riddance". But poll after poll continues to indicate a majority of Americans do not agree with that and do not wish to radically restructure the family.

Looking back

According to one recent poll (brought to my attention by Gary Bauer of the Family Research Council in Washington, D.C.), a majority of both blacks and whites in the D.C. area indicated they wished they had lived and raised their families 30-35 years ago.

Think about it: the majority of both black and white residents in D.C. are so troubled by the valueless trends today that they would prefer to go back in time if they could.

This wish is not hard to understand. The major problems for children then, as I remember, were such things as running in the halls, chewing gum stuck beneath desks, shooting paper wads or talking in class.

When the pollsters asked, "What was so special about 30-35 years ago," the responses were, just to mention a few: "Family values were stronger...neighborhood meant something...there were reliable standards of right and wrong."

Today, most Americans long for these kind of cultural values values that give meaning and purpose to life. The silly attempts to tip-toe through a value-neutral society, encouraged by some, fail to offer motivation or inspiration.

The basic unit of society

Well then, what was the family like thirty years ago? And what were the values that contributed to a healthy sense of well-being for both family and society?

According to Webster's dictionary: a family is the basic unit of society, having as its nucleus a man and wife committed to each other in marriage, living together and cooperating in the care and rearing of their own or adopted children.

Variations of this definition include multiple generations, i.e.: grandparents living in the same home, or couples presently without children, or those with grown children, or the widowed or divorced raising their own children alone.

I think most people will agree, our family experience is the most significant experience of our lives, whether it is good or bad. Moreover, the family is a microcosm of the larger community, the nation. "As the family goes, so goes the nation."

Home truths about families

In 1986, in a report to then President Reagan, Gary Bauer of the Family Research Council wrote: "It is time to reaffirm some `home truths' and to restate the obvious. Intact families are good. Families who choose to have children are making a desirable decision. Mothers and fathers who then decide to spend a good deal of time raising those children themselves, as top priority, instead of leaving it to others, are demonstrably doing a good thing for those children. Countless parents do this every day. They ask for no special favors. They just do these things naturally out of a sacrificial love and loyalty for each other and their children and with a commitment to their future developing character, instilling positive values."

What better way to nurture and train children to be productive and responsible citizens? What better way for a man and woman to develop a oneness that mirrors the love of God?

Though some values may vary in families, the fundamental concepts are similar and essential.

The importance of religion

David Zwiebel, general counsel of Agudath Israel of America and member of the National Commission on Children noted: "It is time to realize that the great danger to continued health and vitality of American society comes not from an excess of religion but from the fact that so many of our children grow up with a total lack of moral values and no sense of purpose in life."

Like Zwiebel, I am convinced that religion offers timeless wisdom for all questions of life. My own personal study of the Bible has resulted in a profound change in my perspective and purpose. In a nation founded upon respect for God and religious commitment, public policy and culture must support and affirm such values.

Values of character are the bedrock of our society values like: love for God and for one's neighbor as for self, personal integrity, self discipline, responsibility for one's actions, respect for others, respect for authority, and the distinguishing between right and wrong.

To paraphrase Dr. Louis Sullivan, Secretary of Health and Human Services, "Our children must learn to put principle above convenience, duty above pleasure, to prize justice, and to gain a vision for achieving beyond one's own self interest.

"These are high expectations, yes, but children must never think becoming an adult is automatically achieved with no effort."

Our responsibility as parents is to model these virtues in our lives. Children become what we do, not what we say.

Doing things together

I must admit that in my earlier years I was part of the problem. Being a workaholic, I took my family for granted. I knew I loved them and that seemed enough. I now know the adverse effect an absent father and/or mother, for whatever reason, has on family relationships. And with growing economic pressures and the hectic schedules we keep, the scarce family time with its emotional inaccessibility to child and spouse is a major concern.

A USA Today poll from earlier this year indicated approximately 75 percent of two-working-parent families would have one parent home full time if money was not an issue.

Meanwhile, in another poll, 1,500 school children answered the question "What do you think makes a happy family?" not by listing money, cars, fine homes, or television. The answer most frequently given by the children was simply: "Doing things together."

Convicting isn't it? Just "Doing things together."

We use the cliche, "It is the quality and not quantity of time that counts." But time and emotional accessibility are like the oxygen we breathe. Although quality of oxygen is important, the quantity determines whether we live or die.

I now know that not only children but also God is unimpressed by what most of us give highest priority to, namely: our achievements, our success in business, our education, our finances, our listings in "Who's Who" or the local social register, or the amount of economic, political, or intellectual influence we have.

So what do successful healthy families look like? Armaud Nicholi, M.D., of Harvard Medical School details them quite well:

Parents who have a deep respect, love, and concern for each other.

Kids who have a healthy sense of who they are and some sense of where they're going, a result most often of a home that is warm and nurturing, where there is security.

Parents who have a high degree of commitment to each other and to the family.

Adequate time together, spent in such a way that permits emotional and physical accessibility to one another. (Television is monitored and limited.)

Family members embrace a faith and a spiritual dimension that binds them together, providing resources to combat crises and adversity and to promote loving relationships.

Lessons of the Testaments

For me and many others, the Old and New Testaments are a source of faith where the priority, purpose and wisdom for life is summarized in two great commandments. First, love God with all of your heart, soul, and mind. Second, love your neighbors (nearest being wife and children) as yourself.

I am optimistic about the family. God instituted its beginning, and what God has established will not fail.

Amitai Etzoni of the Center for Policy Research and George Washington University wrote, "There never was a society throughout all of history...without a family as the central unit for launching the education of children, for character formation, and as the moral agent of society."

"Indeed, during all of written history from ancient Egypt to modern America, the record shows that the family has been the vehicle through which men and women have entered upon life. In the family they have been born, there they have been trained to take a place in society as adults, and from there they go out to begin the cycle all over again with their own children."

In summary

I would like to summarize in closing.

The time bind will always be with us. It is life's most precious commodity, given to us only moment by moment. We cannot bank or borrow it.

The Bible says life is a vapor that appears for a while, then vanishes away. I went through some numbers gymnastics awhile back: I've lived approximately 21,800 days; if I live to be 65 years old I have about 2,000 days left; if by God's Grace I make it to 75 years I have about 5,650 days to go. Life is uncertain at times, and brief at best.

I want each of my remaining days to count for eternity. Each day is too precious to waste. My daily life today is no accident; it is not dictated by circumstances.

Years ago, my wife Eloise and I established our purpose for life and set goals and priorities accordingly. It is a lot easier to say no if a request doesn't fall into those parameters.

Much of what I now know about the family, i.e. the importance of being the best husband and father possible, I've had to learn by the trial and error method. That is not a fun way to do it.

In the past two years, the CBMC (Christan Business Men's Conference) group I am with, has offered a men's seminar called "Dad the Family Shepherd." The well-over-300 men from this area who have attended have gained a whole new perspective on the family. I've learned about the great impact, good or bad, men have on their wives and children and the responsibility I have to be the very best husband and father.

I've learned how to love and understand my wife and my children and now my grandchildren. America desperately needs a rebirth of fatherhood. Eloise and I see that already happening in many young couples we know and love in Cape and Jackson.

Lastly, seeing more years behind me than in front of me, I've tried to visualize how I want to be remembered by my children and grandchildren. It is my greatest desire that Eloise and I be godly models, living the character traits and virtues we've been talking about day by day. I can see the effect of this while I am still around.

The best thing a man can do

It has been said, "The best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother." I believe the kids know and appreciate that.

I want my children and grandchildren to know the love of Jesus Christ personally. Eloise and I tell them what we're doing with our lives and why it is important to us. When I die I want to be remembered as a father and grandfather who gave them much more than they can pack up and take home in a suitcase, that I was there when they needed me.