Going Full Tilt at the fair

The Gravitron is a popular fair ride. You walk on to this circular metal plate and stand against the padded wall surrounding it. Everyone waits and the ride starts. You spin and spin and gravity — hence the name — pins you against the wall.

Sure, it seems like fun and games. Some people stand there looking around. Some will bend their knees so their feet are on the wall. The more adventurous will flip upside down, trusting Newton's theory.

I, friends, will puke. I learned my lesson at 15 that spinning does not sit well with me.

When I was 15, we'd buy armbands and brandish them proudly at the entrance to as many rides as we could make it to over and over and over again. The higher the better. The faster the better. Spinning, whirling, tilting, jerking until — I puked.

So when I decided to devote this column to a review of the fair rides and ride every one I could make it to, I prepared myself to face this demon. I also warned the photographer taking video not to get any chunks in the picture.

I bought an armband and brandished it proudly as I climbed onto a few lower level rides, wanting to warm up and get my carnival feet. On one, The Full Tilt, you sit side by side in a row facing out toward the crowd. It swings you high over the horizon and you can see the whole carnival before you're abruptly swung back down and around and again.

While up there, I looked around, and I didn't see something: The Gravitron. It's not at the SEMO District Fair. I thought I felt the butterflies and tingling leave my stomach. They flew right back in as the row of people on my ride tilted forward and our footrest dropped from beneath our feet — hence the name: Full Tilt.

These ride namers don't fool around. They tell you exactly what you're in for. The Tilt A Whirl spins and tilts back and forth. On the Tornado you spin in a circle while spinning in a circle in your own little car.

The pink ride on the far side by the stables doesn't have a name in lights, but I think it's because if it did it would be called the "Hang Upside Down for Like 10 Minutes While All The Change Falls Out of Your Pockets" ride. I don't recommend this after a corn dog and a beverage.

The intensity and velocity of rides run the gamut. You can take your children and enjoy the Carousel together (one ride I don't think should ever have an age limit), the Wacky Worm or the Tea Cups. Or send him on his own to ride The Avalanche, a watered-down version of the Full Tilt.

You can take your friends and dash to the aforementioned Full Tilt, the Cliff Hanger, the Chain Saw or the Sea Dragon (sit in the end seats for the most air on this one). If you want to torture a member of the group, have them sit on the outside of the Super Sizzler.

If you're just going to hit your favorite one or two rides, tickets will work. But if you want to spin more than two or three times, go on armband day, Saturday from noon to 5 p.m.