Focus on the Family: Child's adoption is to be celebrated

Dear Dr. Dobson: How would you go about telling a child he or she is adopted, and when should that disclosure occur?

Dear Reader: First, begin talking to your toddlers about their adoption before they can understand the meaning of the words. That way there will never be a moment when disclosure is necessary. To learn of adoption from a neighbor or other family member can be an awful shock to an individual. Don't risk the devastation of a later discovery by failing to take the sting out of the issue in babyhood.

Second, celebrate two birthdays with equal gusto each year: the anniversary of her birth and the anniversary of the day she became your daughter. That is a handy mechanism by which the fact of adoption can be introduced. It also provides a way to equalize the status of siblings. Biological children have a psychological advantage, which they sometimes lord over an adopted brother or sister. That one-upmanship is neutralized somewhat when the adopted child gets a second birthday.

Third, present the adoptive event as a tremendous blessing that brought great excitement to the household. Tell about how badly you wanted a baby even though it looked like you wouldn't get to raise another boy or girl. Then describe how the news came that "you had arrived," and how the whole family celebrated and cheered. Let your child know your delight when you first saw him lying in a crib and how cute he looked in his blue blanket, etc. Tell him his adoption was one of the happiest days of your life, and how you raced to the telephone to call all your friends and family members to share the fantastic news. (I'm assuming these details are true.)

This is the point: The child's interpretation of the adoptive event is almost totally dependent on the manner in which it is conveyed during the early years. Most certainly, one does not want to approach the subject sadly, admitting reluctantly that a dark and troublesome secret must now be confessed.

Fourth, when the foundation has been laid and the issue is defused, then forget it. Don't constantly remind the child of his status to the point of foolishness. Mention the matter when it is appropriate, but don't reveal anxiety or tension by constantly throwing adoption in the child's face. Youngsters are amazingly perceptive at reading these thinly disguised attitudes.

I believe it is possible, by following these common-sense suggestions, to raise an adopted child without psychological trauma or personal insult.

Dear Dr. Dobson: My 14-year-old boy is flighty, mischievous, irresponsible and lazy. If I don't watch him carefully, he'll find ways to get into trouble -- not really bad stuff, just stupid behavior. What can I do to keep him on track?

Dear Reader: It is most important to keep your rambunctious youngster moving. If you let him get bored, he'll find destructive ways to use unstructured and unsupervised time. My advice is to get him involved in the best church youth program you can find. If your local congregation only has four bored children in its junior high department and seven sleepy high schoolers, I would consider changing churches.

I know doing that could be disruptive to the rest of your family, but it might help save your volatile child. This can be done not only through church activities but also by involvement with athletics, music, animals and part-time jobs. The hope is that one of those options will grab his fancy at some point and his boundless energy will be channeled into something constructive.

Send your questions to Dr. James Dobson, c/o Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 444, Colorado Springs, Colo. 80903. Dobson is the chairman of the board for Focus on the Family.