Downtown golf: It's back!

If you're crunching your corn flakes while you read this, please swallow.

Good golly, I don't want you to get all excited and choke and have a coughing spasm. The last thing I need is a phone call from your angry spouse telling me how I ought to be more careful.

OK. You've had your warning. Here goes.

It's official.

The First-Ever Second Annual Louis J. Lorimier Memorial World-Famous Downtown Golf Tournament and All-You-Can-Eat Catfish Buffet is scheduled for June 24 right here in Cape Girardeau.

If you were one of the lucky 80-plus golfers last June who hit BirdieBalls across Courthouse Park, down alleys, through the CVB building, along the riverfront and on the street in front of the Red House Interpretive Center, I know you are feeling all tingly right now.

If you were one of participants in the first-ever first annual downtown golf event and stayed for the catfish buffet, you know why God invented golf and created people zany enough to think of having an urban golf tournament.

Folks, I'm not kidding. This is the most fun you can have on a Sunday afternoon without breaking a few commandments.

Last year's nine-hole downtown golf course started near the gazebo in Courthouse Park overlooking the historic downtown area and riverfront and ended at the Red House on Aquamsi Street. Tournament participants then enjoyed catfish and all the trimmings under a nearby shade tree on the street.

A good time, I can accurately report, was had by all.

So how will this year's tournament be bigger and better?

For starters, this year's FESALJLMWFDGT&AYCECB will feature two nine-hole courses: the old course and the new course.

The old course will be the same as last year -- only it will be played in reverse. The first tee will be at the Red House, and the ninth green will be near the gazebo in Courthouse Park.

The new course will tee off at the Red House and head south, meandering through the River Campus.

The catfish buffet will be spread out under the shade trees in Courthouse Park, where golfers can do what golfers like to do after playing a round: relax, eat and tell lies.

Once again, proceeds from the $25-per-person entry fee will go to the Red House. Last year's tournament raised $1,400 for the interpretive center, which is modeled on Cape Girardeau founder Louis Lorimier's trading post/home.

Once again, BirdieBalls (they look like napkin rings but, I swear, act like golf balls) will again be provided by inventor John Breaker of Golden, Colo., who also will provide a Forty Yards and In BirdieBall Challenge setup that will test the skills of every golfer.

And, once again, this shebang will be pulled off because of the hard work of so many great people led by councilman Charlie Herbst and Cape Girardeau County Archives director and Red House guru Jane Jackson. Volunteers from the Red House, parks department, police department, Convention and Visitors Bureau and so many others are what make the day run so smoothly. God bless every one of them.

Elsewhere in today's paper is a registration form. It will be published a few more times before the June 15 sign-up deadline. Clip it out. Fill it out. Write your check. Mail it in.

There you go. You're signed up to be part of downtown history.

What's that? You're wondering how this can be the "first-ever" second annual event?

There has never been nor will there ever be another second annual downtown golf tournament. Ever. This is the first and only.

And it's the best day of golf you'll ever have.

If I'm wrong, you can ask me to personally refund your entry fee.

You won't get it, of course, because you won't need to ask. Or because I'm lying.

Hey, I'm a golfer too.

R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.