Who are the 'theys' we listen to?

I needed a haircut badly. My hair had grown well past my shoulders, and time did not allow me the chance to make a beauty appointment. So I persuaded my daughter, Tess, to give me a trim.

I actually prefer my hair longer, but I asked her opinion anyway.

"What do you think?" I said. "They say that around the age of 30 you should begin wearing shorter hair. It makes you look younger."

Tess hesitated a moment, then she asked with conviction. "Mom, who are they?"

I struggled to come up with an answer to her query and pondered who "they" were that influenced my decisions.

"If you want it long, what does it matter if anyone else likes it?" she said.

We all have our "theys" whose approval we seek. But should you depend on the opinions of society, friends, fashion and other criteria to dictate what you do?

One time I was talking with a friend, Francis. I mentioned that our house needed updating. I told her that people were not using paneling much now and our home still had paneled walls. We also have decorative white wrought iron on the outside. I once loved the pretty, frilly ornamentation. That too seemed outdated.

Just as Tess' comment had given me reason to contemplate, Francis' next statement presented me with food for thought, too. "My house has paneling, also, but I like it," she said. "I don't care if it's in style or not."

She has a point, I thought.

Yet another person entered into my search for whom or what determined what I did. A relative, Lois, had fixed up her house. She installed garden windows, painted some of the walls yellow and decorated the rooms exactly as she chose. As I discussed it with her, I again said that our home, for sure, needed a facelift. Our abode isn't a vintage home, but it's an older building. I said it looked old-fashioned, and even though it was built years ago I wanted it to be modernized.

She, too, responded in a way that caused me to re-evaluate my viewpoint that things needed to stay up with the times.

"Well," she said, "I don't mind if my house looks old. It is old. So I figure it needs to look the part."

However, she wanted her residence to be attractive, well-kept and to her liking. Her attitude impressed me. She was being her own critic. "What confidence," I noted. "They" were having no part in deciding what she did.

It is necessary to remain current in the job market, when selling a house and to dress appropriately for your surroundings. But you have to recognize what is necessarily required and what is merely keeping up with others -- people pleasing.

"Keeping up with the Joneses" can become a danger to your spiritual life. Paul realized the perils of allowing "theys" to influence him when he defended himself against accusations that he was preaching a gospel that people wanted to hear just to win converts. His question to them was, "Am I now seeking human approval or God's approval? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still pleasing people, I would not be a servant of Christ." (Galatians 1:10)

Although usually little damage can be done by the way we dress, wear our hair or decorate and refurbish our homes, we have to stop, wonder and ask ourselves who is influencing what we do? What "theys" are we allowing to run our lives, often against our desires, the values of the world, ourselves or God?

Ellen Shuck holds degrees in psychology, religious education and spiritual direction and provides spiritual direction to people at her office.