There's no fool like an April fool

April 1, 2004

Dear sir,

I am forwarding this information because the person who sent it to me, Mr. Ponzi, is a good friend and does not send me junk.

A little girl is going to die from a form of cancer that occasionally is fatal. She probably has six months to live. Since she will never get to kiss a boy, never get to wear a prom dress, never get to win a Nobel Prize, you owe it to her to pass this letter along. Please send it to everyone you know.

Before you say, Oh heavens, another chain letter, let me assure you that this is not just another chain letter. Good things will happen if you respond. You will be absolved of all feelings of guilt. Your days will be filled with many more green lights than red ones. Your spouse/significant other will discover that you really are charming.

But if you throw it away, some of your worst fears will come true. Your computer will get a virus that will infect the circuitry of your house, causing the motors in all your appliances to run backward. Your daughters will not pledge the sororities of their choice. You will be arrested for crimes against nature.

Chain letters are not all bad. My favorite is the Why Ask Why chain letter: It asks:

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Wasn't that an entertaining chain letter?

If you do send this letter along to other caring individuals like yourself, 3 cents will be donated to the American Cancer Society and the Make-A-Wish Foundation for every name the letter goes to. You do the math.

Here's what you do: Send $1 to the person whose name is at the top of the enclosed list and add your name to the bottom. In a few weeks, thousands of people just like you will be sending you $1 each.

If you send this letter to five people, and each of them sends it to five more people, in only 15 steps 7.6 billion people will be involved. That's everyone on Earth and then some. Everyone in the world will have so much money nobody will have to collect the garbage.

This letter already has been around the world 15 times. You are about to become part of an international effort to help a little boy overcome Alzheimer's.

Also, if you send out this letter online, Microsoft will pay $245 for every person you forward it to who forwards it themselves. This is being done because Microsoft and AOL are going to merge and they need to conduct a beta test. If the beta test is successful, a phi beta gamma test will be conducted that will make you a millionaire.

As an added bonus, you also will receive a Ph.D. from a non-accredited university giving you credit for your life experience, which you must have plenty of if you're smart enough to have read this far. No tests or classes will be required. You don't even have to think about it.

Love, Sam

Sam Blackwell is managing editor of the Southeast Missourian.