SOUTHERN EXPOSURE: RESOLVE NOW TO ELIMINATE THOSE ANNOYANCES

I have a number of resolutions for the new year, but there are some resolutions I wish other people would adopt.

I wish people would give up these ridiculous attachments the phone company has bamboozled us into buying. Caller I-D is a wonderful attachment when used properly, but why do people return phone calls to numbers they've never seen before?

If I get someone on my answering machine who has dialed the wrong number, I don't call them back and ask them what they want -- unless I thought it would be funny.

I dialed a number once, and even before it had finished its first ring I knew I had misdialed. I hung up and was preparing to dial again when the phone rang and this woman I had never spoken to before asked me what I wanted in a not-too-friendly way. She explained in a wounded and indignant voice that she had my number on her caller I-D and she wanted to know why I called her house and hung up.

So I hung up on her again.

At the newspaper we get calls all the time from people who identify themselves and say, "I got this number on my caller I-D and I want to know what you want." They don't know who called them or why -- so why bother calling to find out?

Another thing that bugs me is beepers. Do we really need beepers? What is so important that we need to be reached right away?

One of my best friends is riding the wave of the future in phone toys -- he has a speaker phone at home. Is there a better way of saying, "I can't spare the three or four minutes of undivided attention to talk on the phone while holding the receiver to my ear?" He usually forgets he's on the phone when we're talking and will walk away to watch television.

I get him back though. He's got two kids who are like parrots: They'll repeat anything they hear. If he annoys me too much with this speaker phone I start teaching his kids really creative cuss words they can repeat at dinner time. This usually brings him back to the receiver pretty quickly.

I'd like to see Fox Television resolve to come up with some different shows -- even one different show. Alright, maybe some new episodes on the shows they have now.

I'd like to see the Florida Gators resolve to stomp the Florida State Seminoles into a greasy glob of garnet and gold in the Sugar Bowl and claim their first national championship.

My resolutions? I'm going to grow two inches, get a deeper voice, lose weight, exercise more, learn another language, visit the dentist regularly, improve my financial situation, be nicer to people who I just can't stand, spend less time playing on the computer, call my mother more often, find a great woman and settle down, clean my apartment, do a good deed every day, join a volunteer organization, donate to charities and write the Great American Novel.

Just like last year's.

~David Angier is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.